When Couples Therapy is Dangerous

Most therapists believe couples therapy helps struggling marriages—but here’s the shocking truth: up to half of couples seeking counseling are experiencing domestic abuse or coercive control. If therapists miss it, they can actually arm the abuser with new tools to manipulate and harm their partner.

In this episode of Hey Tabi, licensed trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook explains:

• Why traditional couples counseling is unsafe in abusive relationships
• How coercive control hides in plain sight
• Red flags therapists and pastors MUST learn to recognize
• Why safety - not reconciliation - MUST come first

Abuse is not a “marriage problem.” It creates marriage problems. Learn how to spot the difference between difficult, disappointing, and destructive relationships—and why missing it can literally be lethal.

Get on the interest list for the Certified Coercive Control Recovery Therapist (CCCRT) or Certified Coercive Control Recovery Specialist (CCCRS)! Cohorts begin in January! Click here - https://link.therasaas.com/widget/form/moooGNGLHIEAo2yNZnsd!

 This book is for every Christian woman who has been harmed sexually, whether that happened in childhood, adulthood, or even within your coercive controlling marriage, and you're longing to feel safe in your body again. We talk about the hard stuff, shame, desire, faith, and even questions like, is this sin or is this trauma?

You don't have to untangle it alone. Body & Soul, Healed & Whole is for you. Get a copy here today - https://a.co/d/8Jo3Z4V

🎧 Subscribe to Hey Tabi for more expert conversations on trauma, faith, and healing.

Order Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control

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💻 Tabitha's Website - www.tabithawestbrook.com
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🚨 Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy and is intended for educational purposes only. If you're in crisis or need therapy, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

Need to know how to find a great therapist? Read this...

Chapters

• 0:00 Hard Truth About Domestic Abuse
• 4:39 Understanding Coercive Control Patterns
• 9:15 Harmful Therapy Approaches
• 13:39 Essential Assessment Questions
• 17:51 Dangers of Couples Therapy
• 21:03 Call to Better Practice

Transcript

SPEAKER_00: 0:39

Here's a hard truth that most people, especially couples therapists, sadly do not know. Between one third to one half of the couples who come to your therapy sessions are going to be experiencing domestic abuse and coercive control. I know that sounds super crazy. But if a therapist misses it, we can actually arm the abuser with additional tools to control, to manipulate, and to harm their partner. We're going to talk about why couples therapy is not at all safe when abuse or coercive control is present and what every therapist needs to know to be able to spot the difference between a difficult or disappointing marriage and one that is destructive. Welcome to Hey Tabby, the podcast where we talk about the hard things out loud with our actual lips. We'll cover all kinds of topics across the mental health spectrum, including how it intersects with the Christian faith. Nothing is off limits here, and we are not take two verses and call me in the morning. I'm Tabitha Westbrook, and I'm a licensed trauma therapist, but I'm not your trauma therapist. I'm an expert in domestic abuse and coercive control and how complex trauma impacts our health and well-being. Our focus here is knowledge and healing. Trauma doesn't have to eat your lunch forever. There is hope. Now, let's get going. Welcome to this week's episode of Hey Tabby. This one is for the therapists, but also for the clients that might see them. I wanted to talk about what therapists need to understand about domestic abuse and coercive control and seeing couples. Unfortunately, I see far too many therapists that do not understand the dynamics. They don't know what they are seeing when they look at it. And that can really put both the perpetrator of the abuse and the victim of the abuse in a bad space. Puts the perpetrator in a bad space because you're not asking them to change. You ultimately end up becoming one of their minions and furthering their agenda. You put the victim in danger because you keep them trapped and you don't give them a way out. And so it's really important to know what it is that you are seeing. It's also a huge societal problem. This is something that I don't think we think about very often in terms of it being a public health crisis. More than 54% of mass shootings actually started as domestic violence. And so we see the aftermath of this in the greater society all the time. So it deeply matters. That ongoing abuse piece for the victim creates all kinds of medical health issues, all kinds of autoimmune disorders, cardiac issues, all sorts of things. Not only that, but it causes those same things in the children that are in those homes as well. If you look at the adverse childhood experiences study, it tells you all kinds of things about what it does to your body, your physical body to grow up in a toxic environment. One of the things that I say often is that all abuse is physical abuse, because unless you can take your brain out of your body and stick it in a jar, it is essentially a body part. And the neurochemicals that are released in times of great stress, which an abusive environment is, end up deeply harming our physiology. We know that it is not good to live under constant states of high stress and trauma. And I think knowing that as a therapist is something that we really need to press into and say, well, what am I doing to help the situation and to help my clients truly? So if you haven't been around here long, let me redefine for you what domestic abuse and coercive control is. It is a pattern of power and control that is exercised by one individual over another. So it is someone taking their power and taking away the autonomy, agency, and personage of another person. And it's not just an isolated incident. So we can all be mean sometimes, right? Like we're all gonna not have our best day on occasion and say something mean, and then we feel bad and we say we're sorry, we repent for it, and then we move along, right? And we don't do it again. It's not a pattern, it's a one-off. And what we are seeing in coercively controlling relationships is it's not a one-off. That is the way the relationship works, and it is so important for therapists to understand that because one of the things that often I see is an abuser saying, Well, yeah, I was mean once, or yes, I did this thing, or I used to be, when they're still very much that way. And I think that's a really important thing to note. It doesn't always look like denying, it doesn't always look like blaming the partner, although it often looks like both of those things and those things may be present. But it also can look like a false repentance and crocodile tears, where it seems sincere. Yes, I did those things. I was a horrible person, but without holding the weight of what those things did to their partner. Recently, I was part of a case where the victim was no longer with the abuser, but the abuser had gotten the ear of a pastor and had said, Oh, I'm repentant, and maybe they are, but there wasn't the weight held of the things that were done to the victim. And it ended up being very harmful. And that's something that I want all couples and anybody that works with couples to understand is this is a big deal. People helpers need to know this information. So if you are a pastor or a counselor listening today, I really want you to dial into this. You often have a very tough job, right? We do want to believe the best about people. Of course we do. Of course we do. And I encourage that, but with wisdom, right? The definition of wisdom is to know what to do with the information that you have. It's not enough to know stuff. You have to know what to do with the stuff you know. The adage is knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is knowing you don't put it in a fruit salad. And I think that's a really important thing. Where are we looking for wisdom here so that we don't walk where we shouldn't walk in terms of trying to help a couple? Abusers are often, as Dr. Deborah Wingfield puts it, cunning, conning, convincing, and charming. So they are going to present their best selves to you in the counseling space. And very often the victim comes in as looking dysregulated, crazy. She might be the one yelling, or he might be the one yelling and looking much more off. And you might go, oh gosh, wow, that person's kind of messy. Whereas the abuser might be cool, calming, collected, or really giving you those crocodile tears. A lot of times, victims don't say, Hi, I'm being abused. How are you? They are trying to work through what they believe to be a marriage problem. And I will just remind you of what my friend Leslie Bernick says abuse is not a marriage problem. It causes marriage problems. And that's a very important thing to understand. These aren't just high-conflict individuals, it's not just people who can't communicate and get along. There is power and control there. And that's what I really want to teach you to look for. So, first of all, for couples therapists or pastors that see couples, this is the pattern I strongly encourage you to follow. And that is when a couple comes to you and you meet with them for the first time together and you hear the story, you go, okay, there's more I need to know. And this should be with any couple, even if the relationship is not coercively controlling or destructive. This is just a good process. You don't know what you don't know. Even if this couple has been like in your church, if you're a pastor, there are things you don't know until like you really explore them. So the second thing you're going to do is schedule individual time with each person. So you're going to schedule individual time with the wife and individual time with the husband. And this is really important. And I have no tolerance, if I'm being just super bold here, when you do not do this. How are you going to get information? You cannot ask what's really going on with both parties together, especially if there is a potential for a destructive relationship. And you should always assume there is that potential. So then you are going to meet with each person individually and get a sense of them and their relationship and what's been going on. And that's where you're going to start to hear what might be happening. And if you hear that there is coercion and control, then you need to take that seriously and you need to act accordingly. And we'll talk about that in just a minute. So I hear you asking, okay, Tabitha, what are some of the questions I should ask? I'm so glad that you asked me that. So in individual sessions, this is not something that we are going to do in a couple session. Please do not do this. You're going to put someone in danger if you do. The first question you want to ask is, are you free to disagree with your partner? What happens when you disagree? And hear the story. Oh gosh, I would never disagree. And don't think, oh wow, what a submissive partner this is. You want to understand why. Oh, it would be hell to pay. Horrible things would happen. They wouldn't talk to me for a week, whatever it might be. And you really want to know what is going on in that case. Do you feel like there are two sets of rules in your home, one for your spouse and one for you? I hope you're enjoying this episode of Hey Tabby. And we will be right back to it in just a minute. You know, here on Hey Tabby, we talk a lot about the hard stuff: trauma, abuse, and the toll that it takes on your mind, body, and spirit. And we want you to know you don't have to walk that alone. The Journey in the Process is a trauma-specialized counseling center committed to helping individuals heal from deep wounds through clinically excellent, biblically grounded care. With offices in North Carolina and Texas, telehealth services across five states, and biblical counseling available globally, our team of highly trained Christian therapists and certified biblical counselors integrate faith and whole person, evidence-based practices to address trauma at its root. We believe that healing is possible because Jesus still sets the captives free.com. Trauma doesn't have to eat your lunch forever. There is hope, and we are here to help you find it. Now, let's get back to this week's episode. Do you feel pressured to do things you don't want to do? And let me tell you, if you are not ready to hear about things in the bedroom, be prepared. First of all, as therapists, I think that we should be able to talk about those things very openly. I know that that is part of the premise of my book, Body and Soul, Healed and Whole. We have to be able to talk about sexuality and what's happening in the bedroom. Oftentimes, when coercive control is present in any part of the relationship, it is way present in the bedroom. And we have people getting deeply harmed. So you have to ask a question like this. Things that you want to look for as well are fear of displeasing their spouse. What happens if they do? You want to look for minimization and coded language, things like, well, he or she is just stressed, or you know, I overreact, or I have anxiety. All of those things are true, and people can overreact sometimes or have anxiety or things like that. But when that's really prevalent, like, why? Why is this person anxious? What's happening? What's going on? And those are things you really need to look for. The other thing that you might see are mocking, intimidation. So these are done typically by the perpetrator of abuse or spiritual misuse during conflict. So how are they using the Bible to harm somebody? How are they using the person's faith to maintain control? What is their definition of submission? What is their definition of 1 Corinthians 7? These are questions that you really need to lean into and ask, especially if you're a pastor doing this role for couples counselors, those might be not many questions that you ask, but how do they see faith? How do they walk out their faith in their relationship? And these are things that you really need to understand. If you hear things from the potential victim of I need to submit at all costs, then you need to explore that further for sure. So why don't we want to do couples therapy? Well, first of all, it can give false hope. Abusers are not necessarily going to change in couples therapy. I've not seen that be the case. It is very dangerous for a number of reasons. The victim is going to come in good faith and definitely be vulnerable and say things. And that's either going to make the abuser mad because they're going to be outed, and then they're going to go home with that person and potentially deeply harm or even kill. And I did say kill their partner. It is so dangerous to disagree with an abuser. And even if you don't think there's been physical violence before, it can change in a second. An advocate once told me a long time ago, there is a fine line between words and actions. And that is a true statement. There may be no physical violence until the partner starts to ask for help. And then there might be a lot. And that can really get somebody killed. So we want to be so, so careful with this. Additionally, the abuser might use therapy language or learn new ways to control. Twisting boundaries comes to mind. I have seen this happen so many times. Well, I'm just setting a boundary. Well, no, that's not a definition of a boundary. What you're doing is laying a trap and also putting a fence around your partner, right? Boundaries are meant to say what's okay and what's not okay with me, but not to the denigration of the personhood of another person, right? People still get to be themselves, even with boundaries. And again, the risk of retaliation after a therapy session is incredibly high. I've heard this time and time again from the victims that I have worked with that they went to couples therapy, and then anything that was shared was then weaponized against them at home. And it became absolutely awful for them. We are not supposed to do harm as therapists. That is literally the number one ethic we all follow. So to not know what we are seeing or what we are doing in this case, and to not have the understanding of coercive control dynamics, quite frankly, is unethical. I'm just going to say it, it's unethical. We have to know what we are seeing. Now, look, we may not always get it right. We may find out down the line, like as we're working with someone, that we missed something, and we always just reset from that point, right? Then we say, you know, hey, I think that couples therapy right now isn't the right fit for you. I think there's some individual things you each need to work on. So I'm going to refer you out to the therapist that can do that. And you refer the perpetrator to somebody that works with perpetrators and understands that dynamic. And you refer the victim to someone who works with victims. Ideally, in this case, I like to do a warm handover just so I can say, hey, here are the things I've been seeing. And I really want to make sure that you're aware of them because again, not everybody is going to pick it up really quickly. And we want to make sure that people do. This is not something we want to miss. This is too important to miss. I know there might be a million other questions, and you might be sitting there if you're listening to this as a therapist or a pastor or a biblical counselor going, oh no, what do I do? I do want to invite you to sign up for our certified coercive control recovery therapist or certified coercive control recovery specialist, if this is something that you are interested in learning more about. Those programs will launch in January. They are meant to give you a really good understanding and how to work with this when you see it in your counseling room. And let me tell you, whether you are an individual counselor, whether you are a couples counselor, whether you are a biblical counselor or a pastoral counselor, you will see this in front of you. If you think you haven't yet, it's because you have missed it. And I wish it were not so prevalent. I wish that we treated each other so differently in this world. And unfortunately, there are people there who want to be destructive, who want their way or no other way. And that's just a sad reality. And I truly hate that. So if those things are interested to you, there will be a sign-up link for more information in the show notes. I really encourage you to reach out, to put your name in, and to get more information so that you can really help people well. Both the perpetrator and the victim deserve good care. And we need to know what we are seeing so that we will give it. Thank you so much for joining me on this week's episode of Hey Tabby. I am so grateful that you're here. If you find this podcast helpful, please send it to your friend. Please be sure to rate and review it on your favorite podcast platform because it really helps people who need the information find it. Again, I'm so glad that you were with me. I can't wait to see you next time on Hey Tabby. Hey friend, can I ask you something kind of personal? Have you ever wondered if healing your sexuality was even possible after everything you've been through? If you have, you're not alone. That is exactly why I wrote Body and Soul, Healed and Whole, an invitational guide to healthy sexuality after trauma, abuse, and coercive control. This book is for every Christian woman who has been harmed sexually, whether that happened in childhood, adulthood, or even within your coercively controlling marriage, and you're longing to feel safe in your body again. We talk about the hard stuff: shame, desire, faith, and even questions like, is this sin or is this trauma? You don't have to untangle it alone. If you've ever wished for a guy that is honest, compassionate, and grounded in both scripture and trauma-informed care and does not spiritually bypass, Body and Soul, Healed and Whole is for you. It's available now wherever books are sold. Go grab your copy today. You are so worth the healing. Thanks for joining me for today's episode of Hey Tabby. If you're looking for a resource that I mentioned in the show and you want to check out the show notes, head on over to tabithawestbrook.com forward slash hey tabby. That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-I, and you can grab it there. Look forward to seeing you next time.