Hey Tabi!

What Teens Need to Know About Dating Abuse!

• Tabitha • Season 2 • Episode 12

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Teen dating violence and emotional abuse isn’t just “puppy love gone wrong.” It’s a serious issue that affects 1 in 3 teens, often before they even graduate high school. And it rarely starts with bruises - it starts with control, pressure, manipulation, isolation, and fear.

In this episode of Hey Tabi, licensed trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook breaks down what teen coercive control really looks like, the warning signs parents and teens should never ignore, and how faith communities can respond with wisdom and compassion.

We’ll cover:
✅ The difference between conflict and coercive control
✅ Red flags every teen and parent should know
✅ The impact of shame, secrecy, and spiritual confusion
✅ How to help your teen build healthy, God-honoring relationships
✅ Practical steps for safety, healing, and hope

If you’re a parent, teen, or church leader who wants to better understand how abuse can start early - and how to break the cycle before it takes root - this conversation is for you.

📌 Resources Mentioned:

National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: https://www.loveisrespect.org
Domestic Shelters.org - https://www.domesticshelters.org/

Learn more about trauma-informed care & parenting coaching: https://www.thejourneyandtheprocess.com

👉 Don’t forget to like, subscribe, and share this episode to spread awareness and help protect the next generation.

Wanna say hi? Send a text!

At The Journey and The Process we strive to help you heal. Our therapists are trauma specialists who use evidence-based tools like EMDR, Brainspotting, Somatic Experiencing, and Internal Family Systems to help you heal - mind, soul, and body. Reach out today to start your healing journey. https://thejourneyandtheprocess.com/

🎧 Subscribe to Hey Tabi for more expert conversations on trauma, faith, and healing.

Order Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control

📩 Connect with Tabitha:
💻 Tabitha's Website - www.tabithawestbrook.com
📲 Tabitha's Instagram - www.instagram.com/tabithathecounselor
🎙️ Podcast Homepage - https://heytabi.buzzsprout.com

💻 The Journey & The Process Website - www.thejourneyandtheprocess.com
📲 The Journey & The Process Instagram - www.instagram.com/_tjatp

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel & watch podcast episodes there

👍 If this episode resonated with you, please like, subscribe, and share to help others who need this information!

🚨 Disclaimer: This podcast is not therapy and is intended for educational purposes only. If you're in crisis or need therapy, please reach out to a licensed mental health professional.

Need to know how to find a great therapist? Read this...

Tabitha Westbrook:

When we think about abuse, most of us picture adult relationships, but the truth is, many abusive patterns actually start a lot earlier. Just like adults, one in three teens are going to experience some form of dating abuse and coercive control before they even graduate high school. And often it doesn't look like bruises. It looks like constant texting, pressure to prove your love, being isolated from friends or feeling like you can't ever say no. Today on hey Tabby, we are talking about teen dating violence, or I'd rather call it teen coercive control, what it looks like, how to spot it and, most importantly, how to protect and empower the next generation. Welcome to hey Tabby, the podcast where we talk about the hard things out loud, with our actual lips. We'll cover all kinds of topics across the mental health spectrum, including how it intersects with the Christian faith. Nothing is off limits here and we are not. Take two verses and call me in the morning. I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm a licensed trauma therapist. But I'm not your trauma therapist. I'm an expert in domestic abuse and coercive control and how complex trauma impacts our health and well-being. Our focus here is knowledge and healing. Trauma doesn't have to eat your lunch forever. There is hope. Now let's get going.

Tabitha Westbrook:

Welcome to this week's episode of hey Tabby. I am so glad that you are here Today. As I mentioned, we are going to be talking about coercive control relationships in teenagers, and I really wish that it did not happen. I wish that this was not like a thing. Unfortunately, it is actually a thing and I've worked with so many teens that experience this, and a lot of times I will get also adults who start telling me about their high school relationships and this is part of their story and they've never told anybody. So I want to talk today about why we need to understand this, why it's important, and also how to really start understanding, how to get ahead of it, basically how we can stop this problem and hopefully keep it from going into adulthood for people.

Tabitha Westbrook:

A lot of times, coercive control begins for people in adolescence. It's a pattern that begins there. I've worked with so many clients who say yes, my spouse was already doing this when we were dating as kids, as high school sweethearts, and that's terrible and terrifying and not what we want to have happen, but it's important to know that it does happen. Like all abuse, all things are related to power and control, so it's all about coercive control, it is all about power and control and it is not any different than an adult relationship. It's a little bit easier to spot, I think, sometimes for teenagers, just because they haven't refined the manipulative skills yet, which is good because we can get ahead of it and hopefully also call the abusive party to accountability so that it does not continue in their life. It's not a good pattern for anybody, no matter who it is, whether it's the perpetrator or the victim. If we can catch it early, then we can keep it out of the adult relational sphere for sure.

Tabitha Westbrook:

Teen coercive control looks similar to what we see in adults, but a little bit different as well. So we have things like the emotional manipulation telling someone I need you to do this because I'm sad and it will help me feel better when it's something the person doesn't want to do, or saying if you loved me, you would. I've heard that so many times from teens, especially teen girls, where they're told by their boyfriends or a guy that they're interested in well, if you really loved me, then you'd fill in the blank. Whatever fill in the blank is for that person, and it's usually something that the person doesn't want to do, like a sexual activity or going somewhere, even doing something that they're not into, whatever that is. You also see things like coercion. So that manipulation of I'm going to get you to do what I want so I can get what I want. Hey, I need you to like buy me stuff out of the vending machine because I don't have any money. You know how it is at home and like, look, if you do it, then that'd be awesome. If not, then do you even care about me? So all of that like pushing those things together to get what they want.

Tabitha Westbrook:

You'll see intimidation I will go beat up your other friends if you don't do what I ask you to do. Or I will tell your parents this or that about you if you don't do what I want you to do. Those are the things that we frequently see. You may also see things like digital abuse. I need your Instagram password, I need your Snapchat password, I need your TikTok password, and going through and deleting posts that the victim has made, deleting friends, blocking people all kinds of things. Using things like Life360 or location on the phone to keep track of where their girlfriend or boyfriend is at and that is a form of digital abuse.

Tabitha Westbrook:

You also will see things like sexual pressure. I want you to do this, I want you to go this far, I want you to allow this with me, I want you to watch pornography with me and I know that it might be a bit shocking to think of your teenager watching pornography or having accounts that would do that and I'm telling you, one of the things that I heard often when my own son was in high school was the amount of, we'll just say, pornographic sites that people had access to and how it was just super normal, especially for the boys, to talk about those things, which you know is. I think if you're a parent listening to this, you probably feel like this is literally my worst nightmare. I don't know what to do with this and I want to just let you know that there are ways to get ahead of it and deal with it. And I think, again, honest conversations with our boys and girls about the dangers of pornography, about how it distorts what healthy sexuality looks like, are really important conversations to have, and very direct ones at that, and I know that that can be another tough topic and we'll cover that in another podcast, but talking to your kids in very direct terms is really, really important.

Tabitha Westbrook:

You might also see threats of physical harm or actual physical harm. So where they're being grabbed, the victim is being grabbed by the perpetrator or they're being hit. Those things do happen. I have heard teenagers tell me about getting slammed into the lockers and being made to look like an accident and things like that. So it's not uncommon for it to also become physical. So now that you're probably thoroughly scared if you're a parent, I'm going to share with you what are some red flags to look out for.

Tabitha Westbrook:

So one of the big ones I see a lot is excessive jealousy or possessiveness. They are not allowed to have other friends. The victim is not allowed to go hang out with their friends or go to the pool or do things that are super normal teenager activities like going to the amusement park with their friends or something like that. They're just not allowed to do it unless the significant other is there. They might not be allowed to do it with certain groups of people. They may be not allowed to be by themselves at youth group unless the perpetrator is with them, things like that, and they do it under the guise of oh, I'm just trying to protect you, I'm just trying to keep an eye on you. I know this other guy really likes you and so I want them to know that you're mine and it's like, hmm, that is a very high level of control and possession in a teenage relationship.

Tabitha Westbrook:

For sure they will isolate from friends and family, so friends that they used to hang out with they are no longer allowed to hang out with. If you ask your kiddo, hey, what happened with Sarah? Then they might say, oh, sarah, and I just stopped talking. And a good question to ask as a parent is why and we'll talk a little bit more about that here in a few minutes but it is a big deal to isolate, right? Because you're going to get people away from anyone that might ask a question or say, hey, what's going on here, why aren't you hanging out with me anymore, and things like that.

Tabitha Westbrook:

Even with family, like I have seen, kids all of a sudden start to just really hang out in their room and it's because they're significant. Others like well, you have to stay on FaceTime with me, you can't go hang out with your family, and so you see a decided shift in how the teenager is functioning within the family system itself. We talked about passwords a minute ago, getting passwords to Instagram or Snapchat or TikTok or any of the other social media platforms and monitoring the activity. Oh, you like so-and-so's post, are you into them? What's going on here, when really it's like not that at all or like, hey, I logged in and saw all your DMs and it sounds like you're talking to other people, even if there's nothing there to be concerned about at all. But the same thing isn't reciprocated at all. So the perpetrator won't give up their access. They won't let the significant other monitor what they're doing online, but they are definitely keeping close tabs. You might even find some electronic tracking methods happening, with apps added to phones or digital devices that parents don't know are there. You're also going to see guilt trips If you loved me, you would and this is one of the biggest ways to manipulate another teenager.

Tabitha Westbrook:

We all want belonging, and when we are looking for a romantic relationship, when we want one day to be married and to have a significant other and a partner, the if you loved me, you would can be such a powerful manipulation. It's heinous, it's ugly, it's evil, but it is such a powerful way to pull someone in who just wants to be loved. It's okay that we have sex. I know you wanted to wait until marriage, but we're going to get married anyway. So we can just start now, when that's really outside the value system, maybe, of their partner, and they can get talked into things just like an adult, just like an adult can.

Tabitha Westbrook:

And then, hey, send me this picture, send me some nude photos, and, god forbid, the partner does that, and then they use that as leverage. Well, if you don't do what I'm asking you to do, then I'm going to share these with our friends, I'm going to give them to your parents. I'm going to fill in the blank any way that you can use nudes, I will say, if you're a teenager listening to this, I don't care how much you love them, I don't care how nicely they ask, I don't care how many times they ask Nude photos are a bad idea. It never goes well. I've never seen that go well and I've worked with lots of teenagers. Keep your clothes on. Don't send those kinds of pictures, even if it is really asked for and really begged for and really persuasive, also being afraid of disagreeing.

Tabitha Westbrook:

If you are a parent and you say, oh, what do you think about this? And you see the teenager look over at their significant other first and wait until they answer and go yeah, whatever they said. You ask why can't you disagree? Do you have a different opinion? No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm fine. You know that is a.

Tabitha Westbrook:

That's a hard thing and it's hard to for parents sometimes to catch some of these things because as teenagers they're learning to do what we call differentiate, learning who they are as a person. So they're very naturally and very normally pushing away from the parent to try to figure it out. And their peers' voices, so their friends and boyfriends and girlfriends' voices, have a lot more weight than our parent voices. And that is so hard, so hard to reckon with. But you still have to try. You still have to try to lean in and understand what's going on in your kiddo's life. The best way to do that is to take a very gentle approach and keep communication open without freaking out as much as you can. In general day-to-day circumstances and as a parent I know it can be really hard to do that I can't say I've always been perfect, because I haven't always been perfect. I'm just going to be honest. I've definitely been the panic parent, for sure.

Tabitha Westbrook:

Some questions you might want to ask your kiddo is are you free to disagree with your boyfriend or girlfriend? What happens if you say I don't agree with you? Are they cool with it? Are they not cool with it? Do they try to strong arm you into believing the same thing? Those are big questions. Another question is do you feel pressure to do things you don't want to do?

Tabitha Westbrook:

And this might be a hard one for a kid to talk to their parent about if they've never had super open communication before. But if you have some suspicions something not so great is going on, this might be a place where you tag in a trusted friend. So if you have another trusted adult in your life, or maybe an older sibling, that can go hey, can you just check in on this? This relationship's not feeling so great. I'm getting a vibe that I don't super love. Can you check with your sister? Can you check with my kiddo on how things are going, because they might tell someone else. And that goes for youth leaders as well. So if you're a youth leader and you're noticing some just not great dynamics, check in. Don't be afraid to lean into that and to ask questions.

Tabitha Westbrook:

A lot of times kids are going to tell you things that maybe they wouldn't tell mom and dad. Same for teachers. Lean in hey, are things going okay? What happens if you disagree? Are you being asked to do anything you don't want to do? And be prepared for them to say no, things are fine right out of the gate. But when they know that you're a safe person to tell, then there might circle back around when it's time to have the conversation about hey, things aren't good, I didn't know how to tell you before, but I don't know what to do, and that is super normal. Remember that kids aren't going to tell us stuff out of the gate very often unless you've already built that super trust. And even then, if they care about somebody, they're going to try to protect them. It is not dissimilar to how an adult functions in the same situation.

Tabitha Westbrook:

I hope you're enjoying this episode of hey Tabby and we will be right back to it in just a minute. Tabby, and we will be right back to it in just a minute. You know here on hey Tabby we talk a lot about the hard stuff trauma, abuse and the toll that it takes on your mind, body and spirit and we want you to know you don't have to walk that alone. The Journey in the Process is a trauma specialized counseling center committed to helping individuals heal from deep wounds through clinically excellent, biblically grounded care, with offices in North Carolina and Texas, telehealth services across five states and biblical counseling available globally. Our team of highly trained Christian therapists and certified biblical counselors integrate faith and whole person evidence-based practices to address trauma at its root. We believe that healing is possible because Jesus still sets the captives free. If you're ready to take that next step toward peace, visit wwwthejourneyandtheprocesscom. Trauma doesn't have to eat your lunch forever. There is hope and we are here to help you find it. Now let's get back to this week's episode.

Tabitha Westbrook:

A lot of times, christian teens really misunderstand love bombing as like commitment, and the way that kids right now are throwing around I'm in love with them, they're my person is pretty fast. It's not a slow buildup these days and I think I don't know that it ever really was when I was a teenager either, but it's definitely something I've noticed these days where kids are like, yeah, I love this person, but they don't know enough to really love them. And this is an opportunity to lean in and talk about the difference between control and commitment. Here's what being a faithful person looks like and here's what being a controlling person looks like. Which do you think your relationship is? And that's a really great question to ask, especially if you're a youth leader, and it's something that you really probably should teach on.

Tabitha Westbrook:

What does the Bible say about healthy relationship? What does healthy relationship look like? What does healthy mutuality look like and mutual care for each other, and what does it look like to be in a relationship and look like Jesus? I think those things are really important and I do think it's important in youth group to have very direct teaching about controlling relationships and coercive control Because, again, if it can happen and it is happening, it's happening in your church and it's probably somebody who's super charming and you'd be like, oh, they would never, but they do and we want to get ahead of it. We want to ask those questions. We want to talk about what it looks like to have a healthy relationship versus an unhealthy relationship that can become very dangerous.

Tabitha Westbrook:

We also don't want to pressure, forgive and forget. I have seen this happen, particularly in youth groups or even small homeschool groups so often and thankfully I've been asked at times to be invited in and talk about this and to provide some support and help, and I'm grateful for that. But we do not do sloppy agape and I'm just going to say it that way. We are not going to force reconciliation, even among kids. We need to really find out what's going on. If someone is unsafe, if someone is coercively controlling, if it's become physical, if they're forcing sexual activity, you need to protect the victim. I do not care if it is the pastor's son or daughter doing the harming, it doesn't matter. I would hope we are all bold enough to do what is right and to call somebody who is perpetrating harm on another person to repentance and not to force reconciliation from a victim. Just like I would never do that in an adult setting, I would never do that in a teenage setting either.

Tabitha Westbrook:

We really want to help people understand what a God-honoring, healthy relationship looks like and what a destructive relationship looks like, because we owe it to our kids to keep them out of harm's way and to educate them. They don't know these things. They are not going to intuit them necessarily. We are going to have to help them and support them and let them know what it looks like, and I really do think the church has a big role in that, and I think parents should allow that. And if a youth leader comes to you, mom or dad, and says, hey, little Johnny or little Debbie is doing fill in the blank and it's causing a lot of problems and they're really harming their significant other, as a parent, that might be hard to hear, but, gosh, step into it, man, step into that and call that person to repentance, like, hey, what are you doing? This is not how we treat people, and you can be part of the solution of setting healthy boundaries so that your kiddo doesn't harm someone else and it doesn't necessarily reflect on you poorly as a parent I think this is something I hear all the time is when our kids make choices that we would never condone and that we feel like it's us and we have to remember that they have choices to make as well and as a parent, we can lean into those choices.

Tabitha Westbrook:

But we can also set healthy boundaries and limits for them. And it doesn't mean that we're doing something that we shouldn't be doing. It means they made some choices. And if you do look at it and say, oh yeah, I have not modeled a healthy relationship in my own home, then that is the time to get your house in order and also deal with your kiddo. It's important that way and that is something that parents can do is model a healthy relationship. And if you're like, oh, that's hard, then that might be something you need to go to therapy for and really take a good look at your own life and what you're teaching through your own actions to your kids. You also want to create a safe space for teens to share without judgment.

Tabitha Westbrook:

Like I already said, I have been a panic parent where I have heard things and been fearful for my child and absolutely reacted with far too big a reaction to be helpful. Truly, when we react with that far too big a reaction to be helpful, truly when we react with that far too big a reaction to be helpful, it really causes kids to shut down and to not talk to you. So if you're like, oh, I have definitely been a panic parent, then now's a great time to shift that. You can shift it at any point in time, even if you're like my kid's an adult and I still sometimes do that. You can shift that, make repairs with your kids and try something different, and it takes work right. Nothing is easy. At times when we're making a change, We've got to build those new neural pathways and whatnot, but it is well worth doing. No matter how old your kid is, you want to ask open-ended and compassionate questions. This is not the Spanish Inquisition. That's not going to be helpful. But tell me more about what it feels like when Billy does this. Tell me a little bit more about how many times Sally is texting you and get some more information. Sally is texting you and get some more information.

Tabitha Westbrook:

Do not minimize things as puppy love or this is how we show people. We like them. One of the things that just frustrates me endlessly is when I hear from people oh well, I know that they slapped you on the butt or pulled your hair. It just means they have a crush on you. We do not show that by violence, right? And what are we telling our kids? It's okay for someone to put their hands on you in a way that you never asked for? No, so I don't ignore those things, I don't over freak out about them, but I certainly say, well, it's not okay for them to touch you. I don't say, well, they pulled your hair, so they like you. Call it what it is. It's not okay to touch somebody without their permission. It's not.

Tabitha Westbrook:

And also encourage body awareness and self-trust. So what do they notice in their body? What do they know to be true from their gut and we don't live and die by gut feelings but they are very helpful. I don't feel good when I'm in the room with Tommy at all. He freaks me out, man. I catch him staring at me all the time and it just makes me have the heebie jeebies or it feels sus or whatever. A kid is going to say to you man, go, yeah, you should pay attention to that. Let's keep an eye on that. See what's going on. That is really important and really helpful. And you are going to empower your kid then to really learn to trust the Holy Spirit living in them. He might be saying run, this is a bad idea.

Tabitha Westbrook:

If you're a teenager listening to this, I want to say a few things directly to you. First of all, you are not responsible for somebody else's emotions and behaviors. Period, full stop. They are. You don't have to make them feel better Now. Are we going to be unkind? No, but we don't have to be needlessly nice either. As one of my supervisees once said and I made a meme out of and stuck it on my Instagram nice girls end up in trunks, and especially for women. We are very much socialized to just say the nicest thing possible and try not to hurt somebody's feelings. And I'm not saying go out of your way to hurt people's feelings. That's a bad idea also. But you don't have to put up with terrible behavior and you're not responsible to make somebody else feel better. You can be kind, you can be with somebody when they're struggling. But if they say, if I'm not with you, I'm sad, I might ask some questions about that. I really might. I have to be with you or I'm just too depressed to function. That is putting a responsibility on you that is not yours to hold.

Tabitha Westbrook:

True love never manipulates, it never coerces and it never isolates. Read 1 Corinthians 13. That is a healthy picture of love and you do not have to get your worth and value from somebody else. You are lovable just the way that you are and you don't need a boyfriend or girlfriend to be your everything. In fact, one of the things I tell people all the time is that the you complete me line in that old movie Jerry Maguire is such junk. You don't need someone else to complete you, you're already complete.

Tabitha Westbrook:

So what do you do if, as a parent you see, oh no. Or a youth leader you see, oh no. Well, you want to do some safety planning. What do you do to keep them safe? Can you keep them away from this individual? Can you get the other person's parents involved? And we do want to be careful because, well, not all relationships turn violent. Some do, and I have heard of stories where people have tried to break up and the ex-partner has come with a knife or tried to hit them in the parking lot, at school or something like that, with their vehicle. So we really want to be aware of safety planning.

Tabitha Westbrook:

If you're a teenager and you're listening to this, I will encourage you to reach out to the National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline. You can go to loveisrespectorg or you can go to domesticsheltersorg and get information as well. So go and get information. And if you're like I, need a little something more parents, I would encourage you to take the family to therapy. Let's work through some of it, because if there's a dynamic that's perpetuating it or a really unhealthy, unsafe relationship, that might be something a therapist can help you out with, the unsafe relationship, and that might be something a therapist can help you out with. I just want to remind everybody, as we end here today, that healing is possible even after harmful relationships. Even if you're a teenager and you're like I don't know about all this, you can still heal. You can learn how to set different boundaries and you can learn how to see those red flags. As we often say in our practice.

Tabitha Westbrook:

Those red flags don't mean it's a carnival, you don't have to just go with it. One of the things I want to share. I asked a couple friends who have had some challenges in their relationships what would you want to tell your younger self? And here is some of the things they said Just because someone else wants to be with you doesn't mean you have to be with them. You don't have to say yes just because someone else wants it. And don't overlook the red flags because of the attention. Like I said earlier, we all want to have a sense of belonging. We all want to be wanted. We all want to have a sense of belonging. We all want to be wanted. We all want to have people who want to be with us. But that attention shouldn't help you overlook red flags Just because someone is giving you attention and they're giving you that sense of belonging. If there are red flags run, you don't have to stay in it and you certainly never have to marry the person.

Tabitha Westbrook:

I hope this was a helpful topic. I hope that you learned a little bit about coercive control in teenage relationships. I hope that if you are seeing some of these in your kiddo, that you'll stop and ask some questions, invite that conversation. Don't be a panic parent, try to keep it together and if you can't, as a parent, if you're like, oh gosh, I don't know how to not be a panic parent, reach out to us. We would help you with some parent coaching to help you not be a panic parent. As I say often in advocacy class, as parents we need to stay a chill 72 degrees, because that's going to help our kiddos also. Be a chill 72 degrees and look like I said, I know when we get emotionally activated and we are worried for our children that we have a hard time staying at that 72 degrees. So if you need some skills, if you need support, reach out today. We are happy to help.

Tabitha Westbrook:

Thank you for being here with me on this week's episode of hey Tabby. All of the links and resources I mentioned will be in the description below. I'm so glad that you were here, have healthy relationships and I will see you again next time. You're looking for a resource that I mentioned in the show and you want to check out the show notes? Head on over to tabithawestbrookcom, forward slash. Hey, tabby, that's H-E-Y-T-A-B-I and you can grab it there. I look forward to seeing you next time.

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