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What No One Tells You About Using Your Voice

• Tabitha • Season 1 • Episode 16

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What No One Tells You About Using Your Voice After Trauma

In this powerful episode of the Hey Tabi podcast, licensed trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook unpacks the often untold truth about what happens when survivors start to use their voice after trauma. Drawing from her expertise in domestic abuse, coercive control, and Christian trauma recovery, Tabitha explores the emotional, relational, and systemic risks that can arise when you begin speaking your truth.

You’ll learn how reclaiming your voice can lead to life-changing healing—but also how it can shake up relationships, trigger resistance from unhealthy systems, and stir up old pain. With wisdom and compassion, Tabitha offers practical guidance on how to safely and confidently use your voice while staying grounded in self-awareness, discernment, and faith.

Whether you’re healing from emotional abuse, navigating complex trauma, or trying to integrate your Christian faith with your recovery journey, this episode will give you the clarity, tools, and encouragement you need to keep going.

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Speaker 1:

No one tells you that there's risk when you learn to use your voice after trauma. Until today, as you've healed from trauma, you've probably heard someone tell you learn to use your voice, but have you ever thought about the risks of learning to use your voice? Today, we're going to talk about the risks and the power of using your voice. Welcome to hey Tabby, the podcast where we talk about the hard things out loud with our actual lips. We'll cover all kinds of topics across the mental health spectrum, including how it intersects with the Christian faith. Nothing is off limits here and we are not. Take two verses and call me in the morning. I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm a licensed trauma therapist. But I'm not your trauma therapist. I'm an expert in domestic abuse and coercive control and how complex trauma impacts our health and well-being. Our focus here is knowledge and healing. Trauma doesn't have to eat your lunch forever. There is hope. Now let's get going.

Speaker 1:

Welcome to hey Tabby, and I think, if you've heard our tagline talking about the hard things out loud with our actual lips that you know I personally love using my voice. I think that it is a very empowering thing, but there are some things to think about. First of all, when we've had our voice taken from us in trauma, we have to learn how to use it again, or maybe use it in the first place if we never had that opportunity, and that can feel like a daunting task, it can feel scary, it can feel overwhelming, it can feel, quite frankly, like you're doing something wrong and breaking a rule. You're not, but it can definitely feel that way. But there are some risks with learning to use our voice and I thought today would be a great day to talk about that. First of all, there are things that we can't expect. There are things that we hope will go a certain way, and sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. They can be a real challenge when we are learning to lean into that fear of using our and knowing when and where our voice is most usable. So some of the risks that come along with using our voice are loss of relationship or change to relationship.

Speaker 1:

If we have been a certain way for a long period of time, we know that people expect us to stay that way and when we start to change and shift and do things a little bit differently, it can really freak people out. If you have never spoken up or said I don't like something. I do like something. I want this to be different, or I like this better. That can actually like terrify somebody and go wait, wait, wait, wait. You never have said anything. Now I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do with you. I don't know how to handle this. I'm freaking out, man, and that is actually really normal.

Speaker 1:

It is a little bit discomforting when folks start to use their voice and they haven't done it before. Discomforting because you're changing the status quo, you're changing the system, and even really awesome people you know, your really good friends, who really are truly solid humans might struggle a little bit with you learning to use your voice, not because they don't love you, but just because it's new and change is hard for everyone. So sometimes it is going to change relationships. Sometimes that's going to be for the better and sometimes it's going to be for the worse and relationships will end up leaving, will end up not being in a relationship anymore with a person because we've chosen to give ourselves the permission to say that we have a preference for something or a boundary for something. Also, systems don't always love it when we start to use our voice. I know a lot of survivors that I work with have spoken up in churches and other institutions to say that something isn't okay or they need something done differently. And that is a hard thing. Right, the system protects the system, and when we start to talk about things in systems that are very self-protective, that can lead to some just real difficulty and real stress and the system itself going whoa, whoa, whoa. We're not ready for that. Now. Some systems eventually get ready and become acclimated to it.

Speaker 1:

So, as I'm talking about this, I'm not trying to vilify churches that initially struggle or don't understand something, but yet take the time to learn. Everybody starts somewhere and if it's the first time that you've heard it, even if you're thinking you should have known this by now we know that's not always true. We know it took us a long time sometimes to realize what was going on in our lives, to realize that there was maybe coercive control or abusive behaviors or spiritual abuse, and if it's a big system, sometimes it takes a little while for the system itself to learn that, and I know that's a pretty charitable outlook, and I know some of you who have been deeply, deeply hurt in structures like certain churches or denominations might absolutely have just already turned me off. The truth of the matter is things can change and through the power of the Holy Spirit, they absolutely can change. There are churches and organizations that would not have spoken to me just gosh eight years ago and now they do. And now some of them call me up and say, please, will you help, and that is a beautiful thing. It's just evidence that God is working. Now it often doesn't happen as fast as we want and it doesn't mean that you don't get hurt when it doesn't happen fast enough or maybe even happen at all in a given situation, but I do want to hold out that that can change. So systems might have a really hard time at first and they might not ever change. And using your voice may mean I have to find a different place to be, and that's hard. That's really hard, especially if you have a long-term history with a given location.

Speaker 1:

Also, talking can trigger us. We can actually get activated by the things that we say. I will never forget. This was a therapy session, gosh years ago now, where it was a family therapy session and I was with my son in that session and the therapist asked me to tell him parts of my own trauma story and I remember starting that and getting so dysregulated. I did not know my right from my left in that moment. I wasn't sure which way. It was, up or down, like I was really dissociating and checking out and my body was very reactive and it was just because I'd never told the story in that setting before. I'd never told it to my child and you know he was almost an adult at that point. By the way, I don't advocate saying things, certain things, when children are too young. We want to be age appropriate, so I will give that caveat.

Speaker 1:

But this was a therapeutic intervention. It was obviously well controlled and overseen by a great therapist who's a family therapist. But it was still really hard for me and my body was very, very responsive to that and I actually had to reckon with how my body responded to that. I actually had to ask for help because I did not know what to do to get myself back in my body and at that point I was already a therapist. And that can happen to the best of us Like, no matter who you are, you can exceed your window of tolerance, therapist, and that can happen to the best of us Like, no matter who you are, you can exceed your window of tolerance sometimes and sometimes you have to have a little help to get back in, and that's totally okay.

Speaker 1:

Also, sometimes, when we tell our story, we have what I like to call a vulnerability hangover. So if we use our voice, if we speak up, if we tell an aspect of our story, sometimes we go home and we think, oh my goodness, what have I done? Oh my goodness, what in the world? What are people going to think I can't believe I said that out loud. I wish I could take it all back, and I know we've all been in those places where we have said, oh my gosh, I can't believe I did that and we are overthinking it. No, but oftentimes we can have that happen, especially at the beginning, when we're not used to being allowed to even have a preference or use our voice for something or to state a thing or to say no to something or to set a boundary, like there's all kinds of stuff. That happens when we learn how to use our voice.

Speaker 1:

And sometimes we do share too much and we have to go back and go. You know, I overshared there, sorry about that, and it's just a messy process. And for those of you who are now creaking in your boots going. I don't want to be the one to overshare. Well, you might be an undersharer and you have to work through that too. Sometimes that shame starts to creep in where it's like oh my gosh, you're too much, you said the wrong thing, you said the thing. In general, it can be really, really hard.

Speaker 1:

I remember another story from my own life where I'm, at this point, very used to talking about parts of my story. I'm very well acquainted with the fact I have a story and I'm well acquainted with the fact that it's traumatic. I don't always think about the fact. Other people aren't. And I went to lunch with someone who did not know me very well and they had asked a piece of my story and, without even thinking super hard, I just told part of my story, and it was a pretty traumatic part of the story, and the person looked at me and went, okay, oh, that's heavy. And I went, oh my gosh, I definitely shared more than this person was expecting and they were totally fine and totally gracious and it ended up being okay. But I definitely was like, oh man, I need to remember that my story is a little less matter of fact, for someone who isn't me and who hasn't lived with it their whole life, and that's just something to learn who are the people that can hold pieces of your story? Who are the people that can hold some of those things? And then sometimes also, when you set a boundary that someone isn't expecting, people that can hold pieces of your story who are the people that can hold some of those things? And then sometimes also, when you set a boundary that someone isn't expecting, they're like oh my gosh, and they don't quite know what to do. That doesn't make them a terrible person. It just means they didn't expect it. And anytime something happens that we don't expect, we can say you know what? Yeah, that would probably just kind of mess me up a little bit too. Say you know what? Yeah, that would probably just kind of mess me up a little bit too.

Speaker 1:

When we start to really tell our story or start to really set a preference or start to speak out, particularly if we become an advocate about abuse or coercive control, people are like whoa, what's happening? And that's because a lot of times, when victims start to do the work in their own lives, the first thing they can say is something's wrong and they can't say I'm being abused, or there is coercive control. Most folks don't usually start there. They just say something is wrong or I need to fix something. And that can be a really tricky space because you're starting to talk about something but you don't quite have words. And this is where it's really helpful to just remember that the body keeps the score.

Speaker 1:

And it can be hard when you're trying to say something's wrong but I don't know exactly what that is and you're talking to someone who doesn't understand. Maybe traumatic responses or dissociative amnesia, which is where you don't remember stuff that was traumatic and you're trying to figure it out because your body is starting to let you know that something is going on. So that can be a little bit tricky and you might have folks who misunderstand you. In fact, even on a really good day, no matter how well spoken you are, there is always the possibility for misunderstanding. Maybe what you thought was going on in your head didn't come out your lips quite well, or you're learning how to articulate something, or the person heard it through their own filter and heard something else that you did not say, and that happens to lots of people. We hear through our own filters and sometimes that leads to misunderstandings, which is why talking things through can be super helpful.

Speaker 1:

But those are some risky bits to beginning to use your voice Like it can change the landscape for you. Now, it's not always a bad change to the landscape. There's some really good changes to landscape. So I'm just going to pause really quickly here and just let you sit for one moment with the fact that there can be risk to using your voice, and it's not always a bad thing to take a risk right. You always want to look at your risk to benefit ratio. Is it the appropriate time, the appropriate person? How am I feeling as I do that?

Speaker 1:

And look, I have had folks say things to me that sometimes were true and sometimes were not, about the way that I used my voice. I have been told I'm assertive, that I am a strong person, and those things are true. I've been called aggressive and once or twice that was true because I was really heated about something. I really disagreed with something that was going on. I was aggressive in the way that I came across Wasn't exactly the most helpful thing to do, but it's where I was at and I had to go repent for that and say you know what? I came across a little harsh. That was not my intent, but there's a lot going on and it worked out. The person forgave me, we figured it out. They were able to own some of their own things in that conversation as well and it was fine.

Speaker 1:

But that doesn't mean it always is going to be smooth. When we learn how to use our voice, it can be a whole thing sometimes. That shouldn't stop us. First of all, there is a neurological and a body impact to using our voice. When we are speaking the truth, our body recognizes that. It's one of the things I think is the most interesting in watching and being part of someone's healing journey Watching them settle in and have their body go yes, this is what happened. When they are talking, or when they say this boundary, this is my boundary, I am not going to cross this space, or hey, I really would like it if you fill in the blank, whatever that is. You know, I really like it if you would call me more often, or like. I'd really like it if you would go hang out with me or could we grab dinner or whatever, or even in the bedroom. I would really like it if you did this or that, like those things can be really, really empowering and really helpful. And it tells our body like, hey, you can settle in here, it's a really sweet place. It also helps you speak clearly.

Speaker 1:

I always say clear is kind. When we are not beating around the bush, when we are not trying to minimize or hedge our bets, we are much more clear. We are not trying to minimize or hedge our bets. We are much more clear If I say I would like to go to dinner at 7 pm. It's unequivocal, right, we might be able to talk about where dinner might be or what have you, but I'm being very clear about a preference that I have, a desire that I have, and the other person knows what I'm asking for, instead of like, well, I mean like we could do dinner sometime today or whatever. But whatever, right, I'm not telling you what I really want and so you don't know. And then if you don't meet the need or you can't meet my preference because I didn't tell you clearly what it was, I might end up hurt. So it actually ends up being very relationship connecting to be able to say here is what I need, or here is what I don't like, or hey, this is what happened to me. These are very clear statements that are helpful.

Speaker 1:

It also gives you power over your story. When you tell parts of your story and you are the one telling them and not someone telling them for you, you actually are holding the power in what gets known and what isn't known and how it is stated. That is really helpful. I know that that can be very scary, especially if the receiver of that story does not hold it well, but that does not negate the power of you using it and the power of you saying it and the power of you using your own voice to tell your story. And I know that that feels, I don't know, probably pretty risky if you're on the beginning side of the using your voice journey and I totally understand that it can feel really scary. But honestly, the more you do it, the easier it becomes in a lot of ways. I'm not going to say it's always easy, sometimes it's not, sometimes it's very challenging, but it gets easier as you do it. Also, it really helps you integrate your faith.

Speaker 1:

So, as you are talking about right theology, correct doctrine, disentangling, maybe things that were misapplied, completely misconstrued, outright heresy, sometimes then you are able to go. Wait a second. I can go before the Lord myself. I can talk to him myself. I don't need help. I don't need someone else to do this for me. I don't need someone to say different things. And also there's tons of examples in the Bible of people speaking up Esther, david, deborah there's lots of folks who said lots of things in the Bible and were able to talk to God for themselves.

Speaker 1:

Especially if you're coming out of a very spiritually abusive situation where you're like I'm not sure what I believe about God, you might really need to talk out loud some of those things. One of my favorite things to do with clients, when they are ready for it, is to read scripture out loud, particularly ones that got weaponized. So we'll pick a particular translation that feels good to the client and then we will read things out loud together and when we do that, it actually reclaimed the scripture that was distorted for them and it helps their relationship with God incredibly, because they're able to re-engage with spiritual practices that might have been very meaningful to them but got lost along the way because of the harm that they incurred. So all of this bears talking about how to use your voice in the most appropriate ways and to give yourself the best safety possible. First of all, if you are still in an abusive or destructive situation, you want to be careful how you use your voice, because you want to stay safe. It may not be the time to say all the things you want to say, no matter how badly you want to say them. It may need to wait until you are in a safe proximity where that person can't physically get you, get to you or it's less likely that they will that sort of thing to say some of the things and he may decide you know what. They're not going to hear me. Anyways, it's not worth it to say it to them. Maybe I'll say it in a journal to God and still have all the same things come out, but also in a way that I'm going to stay physically safe.

Speaker 1:

Not every story is something that you should share. So just because you can use your voice doesn't mean you always should use your voice. There are going to be parts of your story that are sensitive, that are maybe not for right now. They are for later. They might be for a particular context, like in therapy or a support group or with a close, trusted friend. They may not be what you tell the bagger at the grocery store. In fact, those really sensitive ones probably shouldn't be what you tell the bagger at the grocery store. So you want to use discernment about who gets to have access to stories about you, and you also want to use discernment just in setting boundaries or stating a preference, things like that.

Speaker 1:

Sometimes it's worth doing, even if you know it isn't going to be successful, simply because it's worth doing and using your voice. And sometimes it's not worth doing. It might be better to just change where you're at or to discontinue your connection with that community or to decide maybe it's not the thing I need to work on. And, truthfully, when we are survivors, we often are really well aware of when things are not going the way we had hoped and dreamed in a situation or in a community, and that can lead to a little bit of hyper in a situation or in a community and that can lead to a little bit of hypervigilance in that space. And I would just encourage you to really look at is this a battle I need to fight? Is it really worth it? Because sometimes, just because something is a little bit off and like I'm not talking about destructive, I'm just talking about imperfect right, that maybe that's not what I can grant. Maybe it's not really even worth it If I don't like the direction that we go when we serve communion, for example.

Speaker 1:

So let's say that your church is a. You come up and you rip off a piece of bread and dip it in whatever liquid they have wine, grape juice, whatever and then you go back to your seat and then take it and you just were like, really prefer the disposable communion cups. That isn't wrong, it's just not your preference. And you might state like, hey, it'd be great if we did this. And the pastor might be like, hey, this is what we do. Or the elders like, hey, this is what we do, it's not a bad thing and it's not something that you have to confront. It is not necessarily the thing that needs to be a deal breaker in your community.

Speaker 1:

So I would just encourage you to use discernment. Talk through it with a therapist, a small group, a close friend if you need to, because not everything should be confronted all the time. You also want to think about the veracity with which you state something. The intensity that you use is going to be appropriate to the situation. A lot of times when survivors come out of something and they are just starting to use their voice, it is at a level 10 all the time. Everything is intense and it's because that's how it feels in your body. But learning to have that discernment about is this a level 10 or really a level 2? Or does it feel like a level 10 in my body because it's triggering something else that maybe is a whole different experience for me, and those are things that we can learn to parse out and look. It's not going to be perfect, that's okay. It's going to be a little messy from time to time, and that happens. But we do want to learn how to start modulating our voice to the appropriate level of intensity and veracity that we need in a given moment. There are going to be times I am much more strongly worded than I am at other times.

Speaker 1:

If you have ever heard me talk about how much I dislike spiritual abuse or shenanigans in that space, I can get pretty intense with it. I'll be honest, because it makes me very, very angry. Now, if I am going into a situation with a level 10 that should really be like a level seven, because that's where we're at then I'm going to miss and I'm going to say things that aren't helpful. I have done that before and had to repent, but you can learn how to go. Ok, this is level seven, definitely feeling like a level 10. I need to do some work around me so that I can be a level seven.

Speaker 1:

Or if you're like a level two and it should be a level seven, and you're like I am way too chill for this situation, like I need to have a little more intensity here, you probably want to check in and ask yourself why. Maybe you're going into a bit of a freeze state because something in you has been activated from your trauma history, and that's not a bad thing. It's just self-awareness. We cannot shift what we do not know. So when we are looking at these things and going, wait, where am I really? That is one way to figure that stuff out for ourselves.

Speaker 1:

You can always start using your voice in safer contexts. So, as you are developing and growing friendships that are safer and positive, you can always practice. I don't want to eat tacos tonight, thank you for asking. Or I really would prefer to eat turkey over him, or I just don't want to go to this part of town. There's a lot of memories there. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Could we go somewhere else? Those are little boundary setting things and if you're doing that with someone who cares for you deeply, they're going to honor that and it's a way to begin practicing almost the voice muscle, if you will, because it does take practice to be able to do this. Now, practice, not perfection. So again, we're going to have messy moments, no matter how skilled you are, but we can start practicing it in little spaces so that when we have the bigger spaces, we just have a little bit of practice happening.

Speaker 1:

Knowing that silence was survival but it doesn't have to be now is really helpful as well. You're being given an opportunity to invite yourself into a different place and again you're going to learn more about when, how, all of those things just over time and as you heal and a therapist can help you walk through. Is this the right time to use my voice? Is this the right intensity for my voice? And they'll help you figure those things out. And again, it's okay to take your time.

Speaker 1:

You do not have to go into public speaking to use your voice. It can be just in your regular life. Only some of us do the public speaking thing, and that's okay. But you do want to be able to state preferences, needs, boundaries, likes, dislikes, all the things in your personal life and you do want to be able to tell the parts of your story that are appropriate in any given situation, and those parts can change over time. What's okay for today might increase tomorrow or the next day and all of that is great or it might even decrease, you never know. So I hope that is helpful.

Speaker 1:

I think that we talk a lot about all of the good things about using your voice and there are so many but we also do need to talk about those risks, because there is risk inherent in doing anything new, and it's not a bad thing to consider risk. Jesus talks about counting the cost, and so it's a good idea. Now, don't walk in fear. That is not where you need to be, but it is good to think about. Is this the right time? Is it the right intensity? If I do this, am I okay with losing the folks that may walk away? And sometimes the answer is I don't like that, but it's still okay if it happens.

Speaker 1:

I want to thank you for spending this time with me and listening. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out. Any resources that I talk about will be listed in the show notes, and I hope that you have any questions, please feel free to reach out. Any resources that I talk about will be listed in the show notes, and I hope that you have a great day and I will see you here again next time. Thanks for joining me for today's episode of hey Tabby. If you're looking for a resource that I mentioned in the show and you want to check out the show notes, head on over to tabithawestbrookcom forward slash hey Tabby. That's H-E-Y-T-A-B-I and you can grab it there. I look forward to seeing you next time.

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