Finding a Healthy Community: A Pathway to Healing and Wholeness

Welcome to Hey Tabi, the podcast where we talk about the hard things out loud—with our actual lips! In today's episode, we're diving deep into the essential but often challenging topic of finding healthy community after traumatic experiences and abuse. Whether you've experienced harm within a faith community, survived domestic abuse, or found yourself isolated after leaving an oppressive relationship, rebuilding healthy connections is crucial to your emotional and physical well-being.

Licensed trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook shares insightful and practical steps on how to safely re-engage with community, set effective boundaries, and identify communities that genuinely support healing and recovery. Drawing from research and experiences detailed in her book, Body and Soul, Healed and Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control, Tabitha guides listeners toward understanding what "safe enough" communities look like and how to create meaningful, diverse relationships across different stages of life.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• Why community is vital for healing from trauma and abuse.
• How to recognize safe and supportive environments.
• Strategies for overcoming isolation and reconnecting safely.
• Practical ways to set and maintain healthy boundaries.
• Encouragement and validation for your healing journey.

Tabitha’s compassionate, trauma-informed approach helps you navigate the complex process of finding community, emphasizing that progress, not perfection, is the goal.

#HeyTabiPodcast #CommunityHealing #TraumaRecovery #DomesticAbuseRecovery #HealingCommunity #MentalHealthMatters #ChurchHurt #CoerciveControl #TraumaTherapy #Boundaries #HealthyRelationships #IsolationToConnection #FaithAndTrauma #RecoveryJourney #MentalHealthAwareness #ComplexTrauma #ChristianMentalHealth #CommunityBuilding #AbuseRecovery #TabithaWestbrook #MentalWellness #SupportGroups #HealingAfterAbuse #ChristianCommunity #OvercomingIsolation

🎧 Subscribe to Hey Tabi for more expert conversations on trauma, faith, and healing.

Order Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control

📩 Connect with Tabitha:
💻 Tabitha's Website
📲 Tabitha's Instagram
🎙️ Podcast Homepage

💻 The Journey & The Process Website
📲 The Journey & The Process Instagram

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel & watch podcast episodes there

👍 If this episode resonated with you, please like, subscribe, and share to help others who need this information!

Need to know how to find a great therapist? Read this blog post here.

Transcript

Welcome to Hey Tabi, the podcast where we talk about the hard things out loud with our actual lips. We'll cover all kinds of topics across the mental health spectrum, including how it intersects with the Christian faith. Nothing is off limits here, and we are not take two verses and call me in the morning.
I'm Tabitha Westbrook, and I'm a licensed trauma therapist, but I'm not your trauma therapist. I'm an expert in domestic abuse and coercive control, and how complex trauma impacts our health and well being. Our focus here is knowledge and healing. Trauma doesn't have to eat your lunch forever. There is hope.
Now, let's get going.
Welcome to this week's episode of Hey Tabby, I'm so glad that you are here with me. This week, I want to talk about the topic of community. And I think that is a topic that for so many people just is really hard to be honest. It's a really hard topic to enter into.  was recently at a conference that really talked about folks who had been hurt by the church.A lot of them had left the church, uh, or we're trying to figure out the church. There was a lot that was going on there. And in that space, I think I heard over and over and over again was how do I make friends? How do I enter back into community? And this is actually a topic that isn't just important, but actually vital to healing from a traumatic experience.
And that is something that often gets overlooked, right? We're trying to figure it out and all of that, but oftentimes, whether it is an abusive relationship that you leave, coercively controlling relationship, or if something happens and you're harmed in a church and you have to leave that community, it leaves you almost without family, sometimes actually without family.
And that is a really hard place to be.  it feels almost impossible in those moments, but it's also really actually vital to your healing. So today I wanted to just take a little bit of time and talk about how to re engage, like what is your path to re engaging in healthy community or even finding one if you've never had one?Because that's also often part of people's stories. This is coming from the work I did for my book, Body and Soul, Healed and Whole, an Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control, because in those spaces, community also gets trashed. So, though it is related to my book, it also is related to anyone who has experienced trauma and has lost community because of it.
When we are in an abusive space, isolation is often part of that story. So whether it was a high control religious organization that maybe, or they had you so busy, you only socialized with people within that group. And then when that group is gone, you end up with nothing or an abusive marriage or relationship where you were isolated from all friends and your spouse or partner was the only person that you were allowed to have any engagement with.
And when that ends and you're free, you're often alone. And that means that, So either what you always knew or had really, truly woven into the day to day of your life is gone. A lot of folks really struggle with that isolation. There's also research out there that talks about how isolation is actually physically unhealthy for people.So re engaging is not only good for your emotional health and well being, but also your physical health and well being. But it can seem so incredibly daunting. A lot of times in abusive spaces, people say, well, you will go to hell if you have friends outside of the denomination or religious structure, or you've been so isolated, you don't even know how to talk to people anymore.
And you oftentimes feel like you are worthless. So there's so many things that make it feel almost insurmountable to re engage and to walk forward with someone. And, as we take that deep breath and say, okay, I know that I need this. I know, it's helpful for me. How do I walk forward and walk back in?
And is it really important? I mean, I know Tabitha, you said that it is vital to my physical health, but maybe I just don't need it. And I would just say that the Lord does say that we're created in community, we were created by community. So it is really important for us to re engage. And I'm not trying to spiritually bypass any harm that you have had in communities that were faith based, because that Scripture alone, the one that I just summarized, may be absolutely been used to weaponize against you, and that is not my intent here.But there is a truth to it that we are created for community and we do need to be together to encourage each other and it is critical to our well being. So the first thing is to begin with a safe enough space. Now you will very rarely hear me talk about safe spaces and I will tell you why. One of the reasons is that people are peopley, and even in the best environment with the best of intentions, sometimes we get our feelings hurt.
So what we are looking for overall, when we're talking about a safe enough space is one that is overall going to have an environment that adheres to boundaries. So you're not going to be pushed. It's not like you're expected. Let's say for a church to come every Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, Thursday, you know, the alternate Tuesdays or whatever.
But you really are allowed to have your own space and boundaries. You're not going to be told you have to serve right away or do right away or any of those things, or maybe even ever at all. You're going to be given space to be where you need to be, and they're happy to meet you where you are. Also, you are going to find That you see the relationships within those communities.what in that community space helps you tell that people are safe and valued? Do they have, let's say for example, a church, do they have processes in place that recognize abuse? Are they actively trying to be a non oppressive environment? Things of that nature. Do they value the voices of both men and women?
 if you know anything about me at all, you know, that I value both the voice of women and men. And I think that both need to be at the table and equally heard because if we're all image bearers of the living God, then we all bring something special, precious and unique. You would love a community with some diversity, both in age and in socioeconomic status and ethnicity, ideally, because those are often healthier communities because you have different people and different experiences.
sometimes I've heard, Oh, go find other 30 somethings or 40 somethings or 50 somethings or 20 somethings. And yes, of course we want friends in our  stage and age in a lot of ways. However, there can be such gift and goodness finding people across the lifespan. For example, my best friend is about, gosh, I'm going to have to math.I think she's about 13 years older than I am. And we get along famously well, we have a ton of similarities, a ton of similarities in how we process the world. And we've done a ton of life together. It's been 25 years now.  and if I had only been looking for friends in my own age bracket, I would have missed out on her.
I have friends that are younger than me that are in their thirties and I'm not going to tell you how old I am, although I'm, we'll just say that I'm about to become an artifact and you can go Google what age that might be. and we get to also learn from each other, right?
There's beautiful energy from my younger friends and lots of wisdom And then with my older friends, there's a different energy and lots of wisdom as well. Then I have friends my same age. And so all of those things help us have a healthy, balanced community. I'm also friends with both men and women, and I'm good friends with men.And if you read my book, you'll understand a little bit more about male, female friendships and how important those are and how godly they actually can be. I find it vital to have a diversity. Some of my friends have young kids, some of my friends have adult children, some of my friends have no children.
And again, that's a vital space and I am happy and it's also really good, I think, to enter in to people in very different life stages. They have a number of little kids and by little I just mean like, you know, the 10 and under.
I love it. I love to be there. I love the energy. I love to be around them. And I love to be part of their lives. And that is a critical thing. So if you are a person with kids, don't hesitate to invite people in who don't have them. If you are a person without kids, don't hesitate to enter into places where there are kids because you really can have such vital, beautiful goodness in those spaces.And I know that it can bring up a lot of feelings and struggles and all of those things. And those are things you definitely want to process through. However, it is such an incredible gift to have friends that are in different ages and stages and different life circumstances, because we are a rich tapestry of people and we all have something to offer in that.
So no matter what age and stage someone is in, where are you respected and valued? What is that like for you? Where do you find that space? And then really work toward giving it a try. This might take a little therapy.
If you've really been burned in man, do I ever get it? You may need to really talk it through and have a plan, do some good emotion, regulation, all of those things. I, a hundred percent can understand that completely. So please don't mishear that you have to be a certain way or do a certain thing. do some healing work if you need to, but don't hesitate to try to figure out how can I enter in to a place I want to try.And again, you don't have to commit. I think this is another thing I see a lot of. Oh, well, once I do it, I have to do it forever. You don't, you don't, you do not have to do anything forever. So if you go and try a community or an event or a space or a relationship and you're like, Oh, not for me, that's okay.
That's not a bad thing. You go, all right, I tried. And now let me try something different. And oftentimes that is how we figure out, especially post trauma when we are trying to sometimes figure out who we even are, that we have to try a few times. So I just want to normalize that because I think sometimes we think I have to go and commit and you really don't.The next thing is really know what your boundaries are and don't be afraid to set them. And boundaries are something that is sometimes misunderstood. I think of them more as a fence than a wall. In most instances where I can open and close the gate can let people in and out of my yard as needed And really at the core boundaries are what is okay with you and what is not okay with you And as you think that through and again, this might take some journaling some introspection some work and some trial and error To figure out where it's okay to be and where it's not and what's okay and comfortable Ultimately boundaries are protective for you.
And that's the most important thing. So if someone violates your boundaries and you're going to limit or change or end even that relationship. And so that is something to just kind of keep in mind. So you might write down, what are my values? What is important to me? What's important to me in how I'm treated, how I am engaged, what does that look like, and really take the time to sit with it.And if you are a person of prayer, then pray about it. I know that prayer again can be a little dicey if you've been really hurt in the church, so I do want to acknowledge that, but   once you understand and define for yourself what your values and boundaries are, then as you enter in, you're going to know, Hey, this is a fit or this isn't a fit.
Right. So if it is a higher control environment and that is not for you, then you're going to be like, Hey, this is not for me. And you're going to not go there again. You know, you're going to be like, and I gave you a fake number or whatever, whatever you got to do. Right. So just being really clear, mostly for yourself, right?
We can't be clear with someone else until we are clear with us. So when we know what we want and need and where our boundaries begin and end, then we're going to be able to better communicate them. If it is really hard for you to set a boundary to say it out loud, this is an area that you want to practice.So practice it with a safe support group, with a therapist, whatever you have to do to be able to like practice saying it out loud. One of the things I do often with my own clients is have them say it in front of a mirror or on video. And that I know it can be super awkward and feel weird, but it's super helpful.
So for example, if you just whip out your phone, throw on the video and practice saying the words. Now you're probably going to laugh at yourself the first time or feel really like, Oh my gosh, what just happened here? But the more you do that and the more you actually practice saying it, the more in the moment you will be able to say it.
And so don't feel like, Oh, I can't do that. Practice in the mirror. What does it look like to say, you know what, thanks so much for inviting me, but that's really not something I'm interested in. You may never have said those words or even thought you could in your whole life, but you can. No is a perfectly reasonable option.that is something that you definitely want to get more comfortable with for yourself. So again, you can, once you figure them out, set them and then practice, practice with a therapist, with a close friend, with a support group, or even just with yourself on video or in the mirror until it feels more natural.
Truthfully, you're going to have to do a little bit of it in the wild in the moment to really let it root into you. But the practicing in those safer spaces is going to help you do it in the wild. And again, the more that you do it, the better you get at it. You're building that muscle, right? You're building the, I can say no muscle in your brain and it might not have ever been built.
So it might take a minute and that's okay. So what are some practical steps here to finding community ? Well, one is reconnect with ones that maybe you were in before that were life giving. If you've been in an abusive space or got pulled into a high control religious organization, you may have lost touch with folks that you really, really did enjoy.Reach back out, And I've actually had a lot of clients do this and they've had great success where they've reconnected with someone that maybe they had lost touch with due to abusive relationships or abusive structures.
And that is something that, like, Oh, this person really does still care for me. And they do want to enter back in. And that is actually really healing and reconnecting. So if there is a community or friend that you want to re engage with, give it a try. the worst thing that happens is they say no.
Another thing is join a support group. And I've talked a little bit about support groups, but there are a lot of them out there. There are organizations that help if you are,  intimate relationship. Called to peace Ministries often have support groups for female survivors of domestic abuse and coercive control.They are either in person or online, so you can go check them out at calledtopeace.org. Another for, Broken to Beloved. And so if you've had spiritual trauma, spiritual abuse, church hurt, Broken to Beloved might be a really great organization to check out. They have support groups. They have, these cohorts that help you move through different things and studies to Gain community and all of that.
They have book clubs. Their book clubs look really fascinating. I've wanted to do those a bit myself. And so you're getting some community, you're learning to reengage and it's a tender, safe place to do that. So that might be something that you want to check out. And another thing is to look for communities based on shared interests.
If you really like to hike, find a hiking group. And if you really like to hang out in a hammock, find a hammocking group. If you really like to play board games or cards or, you know, rescue animals or anything like that, there's probably a group out there for you. And this may feel a lot better than maybe trying to step back into a religious space or church environment.But just to get out there and start talking about who you are and meeting new people. And oftentimes you will be surprised at who you find. There are things like cooking classes that you can do. I have done them by myself where I just, So avail yourself of those things.
You can look for things online. There is meetup. com that you can go to and just  type in what you're looking for and see what's out there. And that's a good way to  put your toe in the water and try again with community. I've had a lot of clients do those kinds of things and make amazing friends in those spaces as well.
And sometimes that leads to a new faith community because maybe the new friend is part of a faith community that is a safer community and then you get to go with them as well. So what if you really want to go back to a faith community?  I think for a lot of my clients and people I've worked with that that is a desire of their heart, even if they're scared of it, is to go back to a faith community.How do I enter back in? And so though it is definitely a complex thing with a lot of layers, it can be done. Not all churches are harmful churches. And I know if you have been in,  Western evangelicalism for any point in time, that may be a statement you don't even believe, but it is a true statement. I do know excellent pastors that have safe enough churches and do a good job of being very much trauma informed 
There is a organization called Christian Trauma Healing Network that has made it its mission to help people helpers in the church understand trauma for real, not in a take two verses and call me in the morning sort of way. So there are places out there that are becoming educated, that are working to be safer, working to understand traumatic experience and so on.
 I hope that encourages you a little bit, but then how do you find it? And that is tricky. Asking questions is great. Reading websites can be helpful, but I think that there's really nothing better for checking it out than actually going and checking it out. And again, just remember, just because you put your feet in a place doesn't mean they have to stay there.So even if you go check out a church or religious community or something, you know, maybe you go to  a Wednesday night Bible study or  a women's study or a men's study or whatever, nothing says you have to go forever. So if you go and you're like, dude, definitely not for me. You walk out and that doesn't mean the first night, it could be 10 nights and it could be,  six months in.
You don't have to stay in a place if it is not a safe, healthy place for you. You really don't. Now, we don't want to bail super quickly. Like, you know, like we don't want to let our activation dictate it, right? We want to make sure that we're actually making wise choices. And again, this is where therapy and support groups can be helpful and you figuring that out or a close friend that you're wrestling it out with like that can be helpful.
But I also do want to heavily encourage you to trust your body. Your body knows a lot. And so just be curious, be very kind to yourself as you walk in or walk out, whatever you need to do. You really want to look for spiritual groups and churches that do understand trauma. You know, trauma does a number on us, man.And if it happened in a church or in an intimate relationship, Good gracious, or even in a friendship, right? Trauma can show up in any kind of place. We want to make sure we're in a place that is going to understand that there might be some activation or some stressors, or if there is an activation and you have a reaction, that they are willing to walk through it with you and be encouraging, and that they at least understand a little bit about it.
If they don't understand the dynamics of abuse and are not willing to hear about them, learn about them, or even think it's a problem, it might not be the place for you, especially if you are recovering from an abusive relationship. If there's been coercive control or domestic abuse or abuse in a friendship relationship, parent child relationship, any of those things, It may not be a safe place for you if they're not willing to hear or they're not open or they're not humble.
So just be mindful of that. And it is absolutely okay to ask the question, how do you feel about abuse? What do you know about abuse?  or has staff here had, whatever.  how do you view the voices of both men and women?What roles do you think gender should have? are women not allowed or allowed to do certain things? Are men not allowed or are allowed to do certain things? Ask those questions. They are important, and whether it is a complementarian, egalitarian, Whether they have different roles and structures, women and men should both have a seat at the table because we are all made in the image and likeness of the living God. And so that is something that you really want to explore. You can feel free to check out other denominations. Now, if you grew up like I did, you may have been told that every other denomination other than the one that you grew up in is straight up going to hell.
I can tell you that that biblically is not true because there were not denominations in the early church at all. It was just the church. So, you can feel free to set your feet in another denomination and try it really look at what their doctrine is. Does it align with you? That's okay. It's okay to explore and ask questions. So that might be another way to maybe check out something different and new and find a safer place. Also, maybe look at some of the recovery groups. A lot of times their recovery ministries at various places are really helpful. They may have groups for abuse survivors.
They may have groups for folks who have experienced spiritual abuse. So just  check around and see what they might have. And even if you don't attend, like, let's say the Sunday service or Saturday service or however it is, you might find that attending the recovery ministry feels,  a lot better to you.
Another thing that you want to do is just understand that you are going to be fearful. That's going to happen. It's okay. And you can overcome that. So again, you might start off with very firm boundaries and then let them relax over time as you feel safer and find that safer community. That's okay.
Remember, this is progress, not perfection. No one is expecting you to walk in and it just be fine. Healthy community  really does bring good healing, but it is not always linear and it is not always quick. And I do want to acknowledge that. I know that even as you're listening to this, if you have been in a very difficult place, you're like, Ma'am, and I hear you.I totally hear you, but I do want to encourage you. Please give it a try. It is well worth your time, even if it's hard. And yes, you may have to work through fear and you may have to work through a lot of body responses in order to even be able to take those steps. So take your time, but definitely try to walk toward community because it is really vital for you.
You deserve a healthy, supportive community. We all do. We all should be in places where people affirm us and love us well for who we are, even if there are things that need to grow and change because none of us are perfect and sometimes we need to grow and change, but they do it and they encourage you in such a loving way.
So I really hope that this helps. I hope that gives you a few tangible steps in finding a healthy community to re engage with. And I hope that you do find good connection because it is vital to us. Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Hey Tabi. I will see you guys here again next week.Thanks for joining me for today's episode of Hey Tabi. If you're looking for a resource that I mentioned in the show and you want to check out the show notes, head on over to Tabitha Westbrook. com forward slash Hey Tabi. That's H E Y T A B I. And you can grab it there. I look forward to seeing you next time.