Sex, Power, and Abuse: Why Refusing Intimacy Isn’t Punishment

Join licensed trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook as she breaks down the myths and realities of women’s sexual desires, intimacy challenges, and power dynamics within destructive relationships. In this episode of Hey Tabi, you’ll hear:

• Why Sexual Refusal Isn’t Punishment but a boundary-setting measure
• The Effects of Domestic Abuse and Coercive Control on marital intimacy
• Common Myths and Harmful Beliefs about women’s sexuality in faith contexts
• The Role of Self-Care and Respect in healthy intimacy
• Practical Steps toward emotional safety, healing, and rebuilding trust

By examining Christian faith through a lens of trauma-informed care, Tabitha offers a message of hope and empowerment for anyone navigating abuse and coercive control. Tune in for crucial insights on recognizing unhealthy patterns and fostering genuine, respectful connections.

Keywords: Sex and Power, Intimacy Issues, Christian Faith, Domestic Abuse, Coercive Control, Women’s Sexual Desires, Trauma Therapist, Marital Boundaries, Healthy Relationships, Hey Tabi Podcast

#SexualRefusal #DomesticAbuse #CoerciveControl #ChristianFaith #HeyTabi #Boundaries

🎧 Subscribe to Hey Tabi for more expert conversations on trauma, faith, and healing.

Order Body & Soul, Healed & Whole: An Invitational Guide to Healthy Sexuality After Trauma, Abuse, and Coercive Control

📩 Connect with Tabitha:
💻 Tabitha's Website
📲 Tabitha's Instagram
🎙️ Podcast Homepage

💻 The Journey & The Process Website
📲 The Journey & The Process Instagram

Subscribe to my YouTube Channel & watch podcast episodes there

👍 If this episode resonated with you, please like, subscribe, and share to help others who need this information!

Need to know how to find a great therapist? Read this blog post here.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Hey Tabi Podcast
• 0:37 Content Warning: Adult Topics Ahead
• 1:06 Debunking Myths About Women and Sex
• 1:42 Understanding Destructive Marriages
• 3:57 The Role of Power and Control in Abuse
• 4:56 Sexual Coercion and Its Impact
• 8:05 Setting Boundaries as Self-Care
• 11:42 Theological Misconceptions About Consent
• 17:17 Encouragement and Resources for Victims
• 19:59 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

Transcript

📍 Welcome to Hey Tabi, the podcast where we talk about the hard things out loud with our actual lips. We'll cover all kinds of topics across the mental health spectrum, including how it intersects with the Christian faith. Nothing is off limits here and we are not take two verses and call me in the morning.

I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm a licensed trauma therapist, but I'm not your trauma therapist. I'm an expert in domestic abuse and coercive control and how complex trauma impacts our health and wellbeing. Our focus here is knowledge and healing. Trauma doesn't have to eat your lunch forever. There is hope.

Now let's get going.

 Hey there. Editing Tabi hopping in here. I just want to say this week's episode of Hey Tabby is a pretty direct talk about some pretty adult topics. While it is clean and as gracious as it can be, it is very direct. I hope that most people don't listen to this with their kiddos, but if you do, then I would really strongly encourage you not to do that with this one.

This one is very adult and well, like I said, very clean. It is also very direct. Hope you enjoy the episode.

 Hey there. Welcome to this week's episode of Hey Tabi, glad that you are joining me. So I'm going to start this this way. I like orgasms. They're fun. I know. So as you pick your jaw up off the floor, I want to talk about why I said that. Today we're going to be talking about sex, obviously. And there is a myth often that women just don't like sex and it's not actually a true statement.

We actually do. We do like sex. But when you find a woman withholding in her marriage, there's typically a reason why. We're going to talk about what that reason might be, and I want to be clear that in this particular context, I am talking about destructive marriages, so I am not talking about your standard marriage that maybe is disappointing or difficult, but I'm talking about destructive abusive marriages here.

Okay. And why a spouse may choose to withhold because of that. So I wanted to start out with the fact that there is a really big myth that women just don't need it. They can go without it. They don't want it. And that really isn't true. I've worked with women for quite some time and most women actually do very much enjoy sex when it is in an honoring way. When she is not being harmed in it, when the relationship itself is not harmful.

And those are things that I don't think that we think about. So we're really going to dig in together and look at some of these dynamics, look at what might be going on in this situation and why we might find someone saying, Hey, this isn't for me right now. And we're also going to talk about why it's actually good for the destructive partner when the spouse says no to sex that is not good.

Also, I think there is a narrative out there just what we're talking about myths that, um, is used as punishment to withhold sex. So, and, and, and, I also want to just note that intimacy is far more than just intercourse. So a lot of times we'll hear, well, I'm not getting intercourse, like if we really dig in and look at what's happening.

And so I think that there are some fundamental things here that we want to talk about as well in terms of just overall intimacy as we kind of go into this place. So the whole purpose here is to empower folks who are listening and to do some educating on the fact that sometimes saying no to physical intimacy with your partner is actually an act of self care, both for you and for your partner.

And I know that that might seem a little bit trippy and really hard to come to grips with, but we're going to break it down a little bit together. I want to remind you that in destructive and abusive relationships, there is a power and control dynamic that is taking place. So when you have a partner who is exerting power and control over their spouse, there's a lot going on there.

It's extremely destructive. If you need to go back to episode one where we talk about the term narcissistic abuse and why coercive control is a better term for this, to understand a little bit more about the dynamics at hand. Remember when we are in an abusive relationship, we are seen as property and that extends to the bedroom.

It's very often not the first thing that a survivor tells me when she comes to see me. But as we get deeper into things, it is absolutely what I find that there is domination and real harm happening in the bedroom as well as in the rest of the relationship. In abuse, in destructive relationships where there is coercive control, the abuser seeks to dominate the victim both You know, just in regular life, but also sexually.

That is actually part of it. And sex can be such a strong tool of coercion and control. Some of the things that I have heard from my survivors will curl your toes in terms of what was required of them, what happened to them. If you want to know more about that, I do have a book coming on the 1st of April of 2025.

So depending on when you're listening to this, it might be out and it might not be yet. But the book is called Body & Soul, Healed & Whole and we talk about this and talk about how it just deeply harms survivors when sexual coercion and control and abuse is part of their relationship. Also really want to dispel that myth that we've already kind of touched on about refusal is not about holding power over the abuser.

I, I hear that sometimes, well, she really does have power because she's refusing sex. And so look at all that power. And that is not a power play most of the time. Now, are we going to find an exception? Of course, probably somewhere we'll probably find something, but generally speaking in a destructive relationship, one where there is that coercive control, this isn't a power move.

This is a protective move, right? She's saying no, because whatever is happening is so bad. We also have to remember that in an abusive relationship, the power and control is held by the abuser. So even if there's some level of reaction from the victim, that doesn't give them power. The person who still holds all the cards is the abuser themselves.

So if you are another therapist listening to this, or a pastor, or in ministry, and you're like, how do I know? Look for power and control. Who really is holding the cards in all of the dimensions? Don't just look in the bedroom because a lot of times I think pastors in particular hear, well, I'm being neglected in this way and nobody asks why.

Tell me what's going on. Tell me about your relationship. How are you treating your spouse? What does that look like? And those are some questions that I would really encourage you to ask if you are in a ministry context as opposed to, well, I mean, you shouldn't be withholding from your husband. I promise you, most women would rather not.

They'd rather enjoy a beautiful and full sexual relationship with their spouse. But if they're being harmed, then that certainly is not going to happen. If you would like some more information on like women's true views on sex, Sheila Gregoire's The Great Sex Rescue is fantastic for that. And I really encourage you to look at that.

She had quite the enormous research sample, which was about 20, 000 respondents, which for survey research is incredibly robust, I will have you to know. So that is a place where you can really start diving in and going, Oh, what was my understanding of that? And maybe it's not been, you know, an accurate one for you.

I already mentioned this and I want to dive a little bit deeper that refusing to enter into a destructive sexual relationship that is abusive is actually a really big kindness to the abuser. And I know I've already talked about orgasms being fun, you are probably already passed out from this, but I do want to note that boundaries are so helpful in having people go, wait a second, what's going on here?

It really disrupts that unhealthy pattern and gives the abuser the opportunity, if they choose to take it, to look at their behavior and go what's happening? Why am I in this place? Why is my spouse saying no to me right now? Why is it that they are not comfortable in this place? Those are great. It also disrupts the objectification of the wife.

Honestly, this is something that I see a lot. It's often fueled by pornography. We will talk at length at some point about pornography. If I started that here, we'd be here a very long time. So we're going to have to table that one, but we're coming to it for sure. But, um, that is something that is ingrained often in abusive individuals.

Now, remembering that I work with both, um, destructive men and survivors of domestic abuse. So I do both. And the entitlement that I see in abusive individuals is very high. Like this challenges that. You aren't entitled to someone else's body for your pleasure. They are a human being made in the image and likeness of the living God.

They are not just essentially a living blow up doll. And a lot of times that is how abusers treat their spouses in the bedroom. And that's not okay. And so withholding makes them go, Hmm, I wonder what's going on here. If they'll choose to take that, they may not choose to take that invitation to look at themselves, but it does give the opportunity.

And that's really important. It also says, Hey, I am a person made in the image of the living God and I expect to be treated as such. That's a really big gift to an abusive individual. They may not see it as a gift, right? Oftentimes when we set boundaries, the people that need them the most like them the least.

But that doesn't mean we don't do it anyway. It's also a kindness to the victim. It protects their physical and emotional boundaries. Some of the things that my clients have been asked to do or forced into are horrendous. Now, because I do not want this to have a completely explicit rating to it on the podcast platforms

I will spare you the details. And if you've been a victim, you probably already have your own and it can be horrible. So saying no is actually really protective of your victim. Sex under coercion or fear deepens trauma. So she's also protecting herself against further trauma, although it does invite the reaction from the spouse that is probably going to not be so fun, right?

Um, but it also can, you know, negate some physical harm. I have seen, again, my clients experience such horrible things that are physically assaultive in the bedroom. And so it protects her in that space as well. And it aligns her actions with her own self respect to say, no, I am exactly this. I am made in the image of the living God and I will not be treated this way.

So even though it may feel uncomfortable to someone who is destructive, these boundaries and saying no is actually really helpful. And if you were ever told I said my yes at the altar and now I don't get to say no, that isn't biblical. We will unpack that more as we go through this podcast. But trust me when I say that first Corinthians seven, where it talks about that kind of thing is grossly distorted and needs a little bit of full exegesis and some hermeneutics in order to get the full picture, because it is not only that you can't, you know, that your husband.

Owns your body, but, um, actually it talks about you owning theirs. And so we'll get into that at a later episode. Um, but we need to know that it is not scriptural for your yes to have been at the altar. There are times when it is absolutely appropriate to have a no. And again, God is not a God of oppression, period.

We also know that sex because of its intimacy is used as a form of dominance and it is something that can absolutely continue to perpetuate that denigration of self that abuse victims often feel. And we don't want that. So saying no actually does help stop that cycle. And it really harms man, coercion in the bedroom, which frankly, if, if your spouse, if you're, if you're a fellow listening to this and you are not getting an explicit yes from your partner, there's only one word to call that, which I will not say right now, but you can go look it up, right?

If it is not a yes, a full yes, then it was a no. So that means you've done one thing. And that's not okay. It's traumatizing. It's horrible. And so for a victim to be able to say, no, I do not want to enter into something destructive is so healthy for that person.

It also shuts down intimacy. When sex is coerced, it's not real intimacy. Now, if you are the coercer, if you will, then you're obviously getting something out of it because you're having an orgasm, right? But again, you are not caring for, attending to, it's not mutual. Sex as it was designed by God is to be mutually pleasurable.

And again, I'll refer you back to Sheila Gregoire's work. She has extensive work on that that can give you the research and explanations and all of those things. But sex is supposed to be mutually beautiful. It's supposed to be an act where both parties experience pleasure. And if you're listening to this and you're an abuser and you're like, but she had an orgasm, I'm going to say it this way.

The clitoris does what the clitoris does and you do not have to be having a good time to have an orgasm. And if that's news to you, I will refer you to the scientific data for that. That's what it does. And so even if she's not enjoying it, her body can still respond because that's the way our bodies are.

And if you're a survivor listening to this and you're like, Oh my gosh, that's my story. I never had fun, but they thought it was great because I always had an orgasm and it wasn't, it wasn't good. And that is something that can really be awful for a survivor. So if that's something in a place that you're in with this, then I just want you to know you're not alone.

That's such a common thing. That doesn't mean that you are complicit in the abuse at all, even a little. I want you to know also that there is this false narrative that women control relationships through sex. Now, again, we could find an outlier, but truly in destructive relationships, that is not how it works.

They don't have power and control. It just is the way that it is. And this perpetuates victim blaming. And so instead of saying like, what is really going on in the relationship, particularly if it's someone in ministry asking these questions, then you're going to miss really important things. And we don't want to do that.

We never want to minimize harm. And It is still my contention, it is always my contention, that it is wisdom to say to an abuser, I want to invite you to repentance. Why would we let our brothers walk in sin and not do something about it? I feel like that is the most unloving thing. I would never want someone to stand before God and say, but I knew you.

I was in ministry and I did this. And God go, I didn't know you. , like how tragic would that be? And to say, oh, I did these things. I was a deacon, I was an elder, I was a pastor. But meanwhile, they're at home domineering and abusing and deeply harming daughters of the King? Deeply harming their children? I think that as a body of Christ, it is so important to invite abusers, to repent and to say, Hey man, your soul.

We, we might have some questions. And so if you are a pastor who has stumbled across this and are like, I don't even know what I'm listening to you. It behooves you to get educated in the dynamics of abuse. It's really important. Also, abusers often hold the cards in every other area. So it's not just like they can go, like an abuse victim can go somewhere and do something else.

There's often financial control, emotional control. They've isolated the victim. There are so many things that happen. And that is something that has to be taken into consideration, right? And so you, you need to really truly understand the full impact here. It's not just a woman being frigid. It's not just a woman using that to control their spouse and get what they want.

It's often, this is the only way I can to be safe. I can't put my body through that again and again and again. I'm telling you the stories I've heard. They're awful. They're absolutely awful. If you are listening to this and you are in a destructive or abusive situation, I want to know that your boundaries should be honored.

And you are not just withholding, you are not being sinful. I have yet to meet a man that explodes if he hasn't had sex for 72 hours. Every time I lead a batterer intervention group, I absolutely tell them this. If you don't have sex for 72 hours and you suddenly explode, I'd really like that on video because I am going to research it and make a lot of money.

Since I am still here and not sitting on a beach drinking a fruity drink out of a pineapple with an umbrella, that has yet to happen. Physiologically speaking, it is not a need. Now, is it meant to be beautiful and wonderful? Absolutely. But in a destructive and abusive place, it is not. If you are in this situation, please seek some support.

If you are saying, Oh my gosh, Tabitha, you're reading my mail. What do I do? Really want to encourage you to reach out to a ministry like Called to Peace. You can find them at called to peace. org and look for an advocate. You can reach out to other folks that know. Sometimes churches don't know. So if your church hasn't been educated on abuse dynamics, please be mindful of that.

Encourage your pastors to do that. If you're listening to this and you're like, I don't know if my church understands abuse dynamics by all means. Um, please invite them to learn. Uh, Um, Called to Peace is a great organization and does this thing called Protect the Flock that will send pastor and elder and advocate out and help you understand, help your church understand.

That is something that they love to do. If you are a loved one of someone who is in a relationship like this, I understand why you would not want to ask them about their sexual life, honestly, because that might feel super uncomfortable. But if they're saying, like, I have I can't. I can't with them. You know, the relationship is too bad.

Things are awful. You know, a lot of times folks don't say I'm being abused. They say something's wrong or I'm really anxious or it doesn't feel good or my body won't respond or it hurts. There's a lot of pain instead of saying, well, you should just try harder or just go through it or you're suffering for Christ.

These are all things my clients have heard. Then you may want to just listen and go, wait a second. Maybe there is something else happening. Maybe there's something else. Avoid perpetuating these harmful myths. Again, I have yet to meet women who do not enjoy sex when it is done safely with honor, it's mutual, there's caring and kindness and gentleness and not coercion and control.

So it is absolutely a myth that women aren't interested. So just to land the plane here. If you are refusing sexual intercourse or any type of physical intimacy because it is unsafe for you or you are being asked to do things that are reprehensible, that they go against your moral values, they are really causing issues, you are not sinning.

You're not. No matter what's being said to you by anybody, it is not sinful. You are not withholding and using power and being manipulative if you are in a destructive relationship. Again, I'm talking to a specific relationship set and I'm not saying that people don't maybe manipulate at times using sexual things, but that's not the purpose here.

We're talking about destructive relationships. So I'd encourage you get help. You don't have to stay in that place if you're realizing, Oh man, this relationship has not been safe. It has not been good. I know I, I didn't even know I could talk about this stuff. This is really hard for Christian women is why I wrote the book that there just isn't enough discussion in the church about healthy sexuality for women and what it's like to try to recover from abuse and recover your sexuality.

Then you know, I really hope that this starts the conversation for you. If I can be of service, please let me know. We have resources here at our practice. I can definitely point you in the right direction for a lot of things. If you are listening and going, oh man, oh man, I know somebody that fits into this.

Please share this episode with them. You're not alone. You're not wicked. You're not being a sinful, terrible wife by not having sex with someone who's hurting you and harming you and abusing you. You do not have to say yes to things that are harmful. No, is a completely valid answer. And God is not mad.

And I thank you for listening to Hey Tabi. I know this episode is probably a little bit triggering for some people and a little bit heavy, but I'm glad that you were here. Thank you for joining me today. If you have any questions, please reach out. I'm happy to help where I can or get you pointed in the right direction.

Thank you for listening. And I will see you here next week. 

📍 Thanks for joining me for today's episode of Hey Tabi. If you're looking for a resource that I mentioned in the show, and you want to check out the show notes, head on over to Tabitha Westbrook. com forward slash Hey Tabi, that's H E Y T A B I, and you can grab it there. I look forward to seeing you next time.