Healing Together: The Power of Somatic Touch and Friendship

Welcome to the Hey Tabi podcast! In this episode, licensed trauma therapist Tabitha Westbrook and somatic body coach Shae discuss the profound impact of somatic touch and co-regulation in the journey of healing from trauma. They delve into topics around mental health, the importance of physical proximity with friends, and how to invite safe touch into your life. Learn about the significance of safety, compassion, and curiosity in somatic work, and discover tips for engaging in healthy physical connection, even if you’re just starting out. Whether you’re navigating trauma’s complexities or simply wish to deepen your friendships through physical co-regulation, this episode is packed with insights and practical advice. Join us for an enriching conversation that celebrates the body’s wisdom and the healing power of community.

Find Shae here: https://dwell-movement.showit.site/ & on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/dwell_movement/

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Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Hey Tabi Podcast
• 0:37 Meet the Hosts: Tabitha and Shae
• 1:06 The Importance of Physical Proximity and Co-Regulation
• 4:36 Navigating Safe Physical Touch
• 11:50 The Power of Resourcing and Healing
• 16:41 Embracing Individual Healing Journeys
• 21:23 Conclusion and Resources

Transcript

📍 Welcome to Hey Tabi, the podcast where we talk about the hard things out loud with our actual lips. We'll cover all kinds of topics across the mental health spectrum, including how it intersects with the Christian faith. Nothing is off limits here and we are not take two verses and call me in the morning.

I'm Tabitha Westbrook and I'm a licensed trauma therapist, but I'm not your trauma therapist. I'm an expert in domestic abuse and coercive control and how complex trauma impacts our health and wellbeing. Our focus here is knowledge and healing. Trauma doesn't have to eat your lunch forever. There is hope.

Now let's get going.

 Hey, I am Tabitha Westbrook and I am a trauma therapist and we are hanging out today with a really cool friend of mine. 

My name is Shae and I'm a somatic body coach so I like to bring somatic work into body movement and I really like to talk about safety compassion and curiosity when it comes to body and somatics. 

And I think that's super awesome.

So I bring somatics into the therapy room and Shea brings it into the coaching space. And what we're going to do today is we're going to invite you in to our friendship. And invite you into a little bit of what it looks like to co regulate with your friends. So, I think that we forget often that, like,  📍 physical proximity with our friends is super helpful and important.

And really good for our nervous system.

 It is. It's so good. And sometimes it takes us a while to learn that that's such a gift. Absolutely. It is. It is so nourishing. I found it really nourishing. 

Yeah, it is. It's life giving, right? Like, I know that like a lot of us feel like when we go out with friends, we're like, Oh, that was so great.

We should do it again. And then it's like six years and you're like, we didn't do it again. You know, but we are missing out on such goodness when we aren't in that same space. 

Yeah, I feel like too, with just attunement and co regulating, it can just be that, a night of fun, a night of laughing, a night of doing like basic living together, or it can be like an intentional going into some deeper things.

And both of those are very healing and offer that co regulation piece. 

Absolutely. They do. Um. Yeah. Absolutely. I think when we think about the co regulation piece, right? Like, have you ever had one of those days where you're like, "It's not good. Today's not been a good day. All the things have happened. And you, like, are like, Hey, I need to come over."

Or, like, you were coming over, like, to my place or something. Like, what change happens in someone's body when, like, you get together and you're not in a great place? 

Yeah, you know, I feel like, I feel like, again, safety is huge. And sometimes just having that presence of a friend is really important. Just being on the same couch or, um, just watching a movie together.

So again, it doesn't have to be like really intense. It can just be being in the same space together. Um, and it is, it's, it's comforting. It's feel safe. You know, there's someone with you. You're not alone. . Um, I notice a lot of times just like, just the, you know, yeah. Just everything kind of soft. Mm-hmm

Softens. I'm, I'm, I notice it naturally. I'm, I'm this 

mm-hmm 

I'm tense and I'm, I think it's protective, but 

yeah. 

With, with friendships that you, that your, that are your people that you call 

mm-hmm 

. You think it allows your body a chance to relax and soften 

Yes. 

And not carry all that weight alone. 'cause it knows, Hey, I've got, I've got Tabitha here.

Right. 

You know? 

Yeah. Like, I'm, I'm not by myself. And yeah. I believe as human beings, we forget often that we are created for community, right? We need each other, like actual people, like, and not just online, although it's great. And I'm so glad that we can do that because you and I live actually pretty far apart and, you know, but it's such a good thing when we get to be in physical presence. 

Yes, 

you know and our bodies respond to each other. Yeah I know that like when I'm with somebody that I care about and I've had a really hard day my body does relax and there's like it's almost like that big, deep breath feeling, you know, when you're like, 

Oh, I can't let it all go. Yeah.

You know, and all of a sudden my shoulders are no longer my earrings and all of those things. Like my earrings get to stay there by themselves. Yeah. And it's such a good thing. Um, I know when we've talked about like how some of the physical co regulation happens just being together, right? Like you and I are sitting here looking at each other and our bodies are responding to that comfort level and to just being together.

And then there's also like physical touch between friends. So like, I know that can be hard if somebody is a trauma survivor, cause like physical touch can get really dicey. How would you, help somebody maybe invite that in with a safe person, like a safe friend. 

Yeah, I think I love that you use the word invite because I think it's really important to always offer an invitation instead of just assuming, you know.

If I have a friend who's, I know, you know, called me over, they're in a hard space, it's really heavy, I might just ask, hey, can I um Can I like put this blanket on you and just like, just like, like give some weight to their shoulders, like a side hug kind of, or sometimes hold holding hands, just like pressure on hands.

Just it's like a support. Um, I think again, inviting and asking is important because they may not want it. 

Right. 

Um, but if they do, it's just beautiful how our bodies and our nervous systems do like your, my regulated state can offer that support to my friend who's feeling dysregulated and. Um, and in a heightened and overwhelmed state, um, but I think asking, offering, inviting, and not just doing because that could be startling or surprising and they may not, not be ready for that.

Right. And it, and in some cases, you know, if there's a lot of, you know, just activation, people might not quite. Like their brain may need to wrap itself around the idea of like actually being touched by another human being, you know, which is the whole thing and that's important and So, I'm a raging extrovert.

Yeah. 

Realistically, I mean like, anybody who knows, knows that. Um, definitely a raging extrovert. And, I had to learn when I was younger, wee lass, that like, you can't just hug everybody. They are not appreciative. 

Not appreciative, yeah. 

And you're like, oh. But when I learned that, and I was like, hey, can I give you a hug, is it okay?

What feels good to you? What's comfortable for you? Because I'm always, almost always down for a hug. Yeah, if I say I'm not you should probably check me. I'm just not good. 

Yeah, that's a sign. You do love hugs. I love your hugs as well. 

But like, you know, knowing like, hey, I, especially if I don't know somebody well, like, is it okay if I hug you?

How did that feel to you? Is there something that would be better? Would you like me to just wave from my side? You know, far distance, which at least six feet, which I mean away from six feet away and, you know, honoring that for somebody. And even in that you're co regulating. 

You are. Yeah, you're off.

You're giving them choices. And one thing that is so important in I feel like all healing work and somatic work is we do have a choice. Um But we don't always know we had. So 

yeah, 

I like that and having that agency, you know, they may be very overwhelmed, very dysregulated and You when you get there, you're not, you're not thinking about choices.

You're just in that spot and it's, it's all consuming. And so when you have someone come alongside and offer you a choice, I feel like that is, that's very soothing, very regulating. And it's like, it gives them that option, 

right? 

It kind of lets them know, Oh, there is, there is another, I can do this. I can hold their hand.

I can sit beside them. 

Yeah, and that gives your body safety, that choice, right? Because when I know it's not a have to, but I get to or I can, then I'm not feeling trapped and unsafe and unsettled. 

Yes, those are all good words to use. Yeah. And those, those words are heavy feelings when you're in that space.

Yeah. 

Yeah. 

Absolutely. So, if, like, let's say that I was having a really hard time, How would you enter in with me to like maybe do some somatic touch with me that might feel safe? 

Yeah, I mean, I would first ask if you're okay with it. And I would probably ask is there anywhere specifically like you don't want, want touch or is there anywhere specific that you do?

Um, if you, that might feel like too many choices. I could also ask where do you where do you feel heavier Where do you feel tense and if you say like my shoulders I could say hey can I my hand on your shoulder. Now it's just just gentle you know and it feels awkward you're staring in someone's eyes and you're touching the shoulder but it it could help.

It does help your body just release. It does. Feels like, Oh, my friend is here. I'm safe. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Um, again, like holding hands, eye contact, even if they don't want touch, eye contact is very regulating and attuning. It releases oxytocin, which is that good, like feel good, emotional, connective hormone.

Right. Um, yeah, I just kind of, I ask and then based on their response, I might Ask another question or offer something. 

Yeah, that's awesome. 

I feel like, you know, if, if people are, um, if they're able to describe what their overwhelm feels like, you can maybe get more guidance. Like if people feel like they're unstable or kind of like floaty, it might be nice to say, Hey, can I put my hands like on your knees and just kind of like pressure down to the floor, you know, it can feel grounded.

Yeah. 

Yeah. That's really awesome. Yeah, that's very cool. And so I just want to like observe because I'm always noticing my own body That's something that I've learned how to do so like I want to just observe like what it was like when you touched my shoulder Like I did feel my body just go. 

Ah Like 

it felt so nice.

I was like, oh that feels really good, you know And it's because I trust you and I know you, you know like I'm if somebody on the street did that it wouldn't be the same feeling but like it really did feel like Oh this is so nice.

 I love that. 

You 

know, and I think that is something that, like, I hope that folks give a try with safe people in their lives.

I hope so too. Yeah, I hope so too. And that you find those people, and it can be one person. I think it doesn't, it doesn't mean you have to have a ton of people that you feel that way with. Just, just one person. And, um, it is such a gift, and also, if you aren't ready for that and you have a pet, yes, you can.

I'm telling you, if you have a dog and they will come snuggle with you, that's something very regulating for me. 

Absolutely. 

He's my dog. He, thankfully, likes to sit with me. But his, you know, his smell, his weight, our pets can be very, very sensitive. 

Very, very co regulating. I would say too, you know, if you need to start with your pet, start with your pet.

Um, you know, or a stuffed animal. Like, I mean, it's not the same because they don't have a heartbeat. You know, and there's not the same interaction. But, also like, finding that community that is safe for you, you know, to have those physical moments. Um, you and I got to see each other over the summer and there was the most amazing hug.

And I think about that and I think about how much more I loved you and just was like, ah, Shae is so good. Like after that hug, which was a really sweet hug. And you know, it's just, I think those are things that carry us through because that was like a while, it was several months ago at this point. 

Yeah. 

You know.

It wasn't, but it was a while ago. Yeah. 

Yeah. And, but I still hold it with me. Same. So even that can be such a life giving thing. So, you know. 

Yeah. That's a good, a good, um, when we talk about resourcing even to pull from to remember that time and how that felt. Yeah. 

Yeah. Talk about resourcing. Yeah. Tell me about that.

Yeah. Yeah. I love resourcing. It was a gift given to me along my healing journey, but it's, you know, a time that you felt safe and experience where you felt regulated. So we talk about that hug and it was a moment in time and it was a glorious, safe, grounding, calming, regulating hug. And so we can say, maybe one day I can't, Tabitha can't come over to my couch, right.

And I'm at home and I'm really needing that, um, That feeling again, I can 

mm-hmm 

. I can pull, pull from that hug that was months ago. 

Mm-hmm 

. That can be a resource for my nervous system and for my body and for my mind to remember. Yeah. Like, this is possible for you. Yes. Like, you can feel this way even in this moment.

Mm-hmm 

. Like you have this option and kind of help bring your body to that state of regulation, that resource from that, that hug. 

Yeah, and I think it also brings anticipation, right? And we were talking about getting together today and talking about cool stuff. I was super excited. I was like, I get to be in the same room with Shae.

Yeah, it's still in my calendar. 

And it was such a delight it 

builds that delight to have those moments with people that you care about that are those like good hugs or holding their hand or, you know, watching a movie sitting side to side, you know, on the couch. And those are things that really breed that pleasant, encouraging friendship and really do form the basis of building trust because our bodies know 

they do.

They really do. It's, I love them for that. 

Yes. 

And it's, I feel like it can be a journey getting there and trusting your body, what it's telling you. 

Yeah. 

Um, but they're so wise. 

Yeah. 

And they protect us. 

I mean, we were created pretty cool. Yeah. Yeah. Honestly, you know, and I do think when you've had a trauma history, right, abusive individuals in particular, abusive situations really encourage you to stop listening because your body is keeping the score and telling the truth and you're being essentially gas lit into not hearing it. And so part of healing is reclaiming that relationship and the ability to hear what your body is saying to you about what's happening and what is safe. And, um, uh, I think it's, I think it, I'm trying to think of. Stephen Porges, that's the name of the dude, um, talks about neuroception and how our autonomic nervous system is always looking, always scanning, always looking for threat.

And you know, when we have a safe person in our lives, our bodies know. And we know, Oh, I'm safe with this person. And so when you touch me, my body already knows you to be safe. And it goes, Oh, this is nice. It's so good. You know, and it is, it's a warm hug physically and emotionally. It's a whole thing. 

It is.

I love hugs. 

Hugs are awesome. 

But if you don't love hugs, I will say there's hope. I did not like to be touched well into my thirties. And so I'm like a different person now. They're like, I didn't want you to hug me. I didn't want you to sit by me. And now I'm just like, I can't wait to hug my friends. 

Yeah.

I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to be near you. And I think that's how we were made to be and I think like you said abuse tries to steal that from us. 

Absolutely. 

And so when we get to reclaim it. We get that's that's our birthright. Honestly, like yes, that's ours to claim And so it's a beautiful journey to come back to that place And I think that it's it may sound small to like receive a hug and love a hug But that is a that's something to celebrate.

Yeah 

Absolutely. And, you know, if someone is neuro spicy, right? So we, you can be neuro divergent. That might be like, and all of my synapses are completely shorting out. I think there's still healthy touch even in that it's, it, it just may look a little bit different. So it might not be a full on hug or it might be a tighter hug than somebody is used to. I know that, um, you know, my kiddos on the spectrum and so his hugs are very tight and that's okay. You know, and you might be saying I am. definitely neurodiverse and that better not happen and that's okay too. You know, you might go better with a like handshake or holding a hand or an arm, a hand on an arm.

Yeah. 

Yeah, side by side. 

Because I know for folks who are very neurodiverse, if you are potentially on the spectrum, this would feel very uncomfortable for sure. 

Yeah, 

but side by side, parallel, is still physical touch and still really helping with that, you know, co regulation, it just looks a little bit different and people can be creative in it. What works for you?

 That's what, yeah, that's what I love about somatic work is just being aware that everyone's story is different. Everyone's body is different. Everyone's tolerance is different and it is such a gift when someone invites you into that. 

Yeah. 

That part of their journey really is. It is.

Definitely. 

That's awesome. So What is one takeaway that you think would be really helpful for people who are like just starting to orient to You know thinking about their bodies and also like somatic touch with friends. 

Yeah, I would just say The pace at which you're expecting to go with this journey or wanting to go know, it's gonna be slower.

That's right. 

And I would say I feel like a lot of times if you are You know, have a trauma background or abuse background. You may be wired to, and I speak from experience too, but maybe it's not everyone's 

mm-hmm . 

Wired to wanna like be done 

mm-hmm 

. And do it right. And do it quick and right. Finish and fix all those things.

Um, you know, just, I think compassion towards yourself is huge. Curiosity. 

Mm-hmm . 

Um, not just acceptance, like if you're feeling something that you don't like or you have perceived as bad or wrong. Try and like remove those thoughts and views toward it and just it is what it is. It's here now Yeah, and just kind of like Again, hold space for it.

Yeah and go slow, right? 

Like I mean very slow, you know, 

I think I do think you're so correct in that You know, it can be so all or nothing for people like and I know if you have been in those spaces You just want to feel better. Yeah, you want to heal you want it to be different? You're just like I can't I gotta be done Um But honor the pace your body can tolerate.

And it is, you know, some days you're moving forward and then the, some days you're like, I think I just hit a wall there. There it is. That wall, you know? 

Yeah. 

And, and it's okay to feel like, Oh, I've gone backward because you really haven't. 

Right.

 One day is a day. One week is a week and it takes time. 

And I love something that you said earlier was that the things that you're experiencing or feeling a symptom, a sensation, whatever it is, it's it's been there all along.

Yeah. 

And so you, one, are capable of being with it and you've already done it. It's just maybe showing up in a new way. 

Right. 

Um, because it can be a little bit scary when it's new, right? Yeah, 

yeah. If you've like lived your life cut off from your body and all of a sudden you're like, wonder what my body's thinking about and you're like, oh my goodness, you know, it can feel pretty big.

Yeah. It can feel very big. 

But, you know, that we have already held all of this. Yeah. The body didn't stop keeping the score because we weren't paying attention. The body was just racking up the points, right? And so when we start paying attention, it is comforting. 

It is.

 To know we have already lived this.

It is already with us. Maybe we didn't notice like we notice now, but it's always been there. And I have handled it well enough to get here. 

Yeah. 

Right. Can we always grow and adapt? Of course. 

You 

know, healing takes a second. each next step. But we can honor where we've come from and honor how our bodies have cared for us, protected us operated in such a way that we got to this point.

Yeah. They got here and 

yeah. And then they can heal even more. 

Yeah. Yeah. I just, I like to think about, about it as a relationship. And so, you know, you may say, okay, I'm ready. I want to do somatic work with my body saying what's it doing, what's the thinking and it doesn't, it's slow. It's going to take time.

It's like building that trust with your body again and, um, it revealing what it's been carrying to you, carrying all these years to you may take time. 

Yeah. 

It's not going to happen overnight, but know, like you just said, it's protecting you. It knows it kind of, it's like, what are you ready for? What can I trust you with?

Right. 

So it is important to know it's going to be slow and to give yourself grace to not rush. And, um, Like no shame. There's no shame involved. It just is what it is. 

Yeah. And everybody's process is different. So like, you know, don't look at, you know, your friend and be like, Oh, you're in such a different place.

You're doing it better. First of all, we don't grade like that. You know, it's just not how it works. But you know, everybody, It's going to take the process that they need for their body. And unless your friend is in your body with you, which is weird and should not happen. Like that feels very silence of the Lamsey, not good.

Like, don't do that. Um, don't be creepy. You know, I have a whole other set of questions, but like, you know, like your process is going to be what it is for you. Yeah. And that's, Okay. And your friend's process will be what it is for them. And I think that is also one of the beauties of being together as friends is that we can encourage each other and hold up each other's arms in it and go, Oh man, I've been there.

Oh, I'm sure I'm going to get there or, you know, whatever it is and just be in it together and know you're not alone. 

Yes. Yeah. 

Yeah. It's been so fun hanging out with you and talking about this. 

It's been really fun. I love it. I love it so much. I want to do it again. 

Yes, absolutely. Yeah. So, if you want to find Shea We're gonna have her information, um, in the description.

Go check her out. She's amazing. 

I would love to meet you. I'd love to learn more about you. 

Absolutely. She does like very cool somatic like workshops and one on one work with people. So if you're like, I'd like to learn how to get into my body, The world is your taco and Shea should be one of the ingredients, honestly.

I love that. I love that for us. 

So, definitely reach out to her. If you're like, I'm going to need some therapy. Like, I've got to process some stuff. Our team's got your back. And if you're like, I'd like to combine the two. Well, Shea and I can do that with you.

 Yeah, we can. 

And so, if you're like, I'm interested in a maybe an intensive, um, with Shae and Tabitha, then we would love to have you come to central North Carolina and hang out with us and do some of that work. So thank you, friend. So cool hanging out with you today. Is it okay if I hug you? 

Yes. 

Absolutely. Oh, so fun. Love you. So awesome. 

📍 Thanks for joining me for today's episode of Hey Tabi. If you're looking for a resource that I mentioned in the show, and you want to check out the show notes, head on over to Tabitha Westbrook. com forward slash Hey Tabi, that's H E Y T A B I, and you can grab it there. I look forward to seeing you next time.